International

WE have deep historical and emotional ties to our American cousins. But the dumb Yanks find it inexplicably difficult to place your pretty-obvious accent. Here are their first six shit guesses.

CONFUSED by what Trump’s court appearance means, and by how to best perform fellatio? Stormy Daniels answers your questions about the US legal system and sex.

HELLO! We’re having a blast here in the static queue to the Port of Dover. Wish you were here!

BRITONS have advised Amsterdam that if they want only sober, respectable tourists perhaps lacing the city with cannabis and whores was a mistake.

POPE Francis will urgently review the requirement for priests to be celibate after getting a good look at a lady's sex parts for the first time. 

EVER been to the USA and wondered ‘What the f**k is going on?’ You’re not alone. These six American normalities are baffling to decent people.

WHEN I hear that our armed forces are not fully geared up and ready to invade Norway tomorrow, I weep. For we have lost the very essence of our country.

A CHINESE spy balloon has been drifting over the US, filming and gathering information, almost escaping with all the nation’s secrets.

A WOMAN who is fed up with the hassle of life in the UK has announced she is leaving to live an affordable and sophisticated life in continental Europe.

VOLODYMYR Zelensky played a guessing game with Boris Johnson to ascertain why the former PM was in Kyiv this time, it has emerged.