A selfie, a friendship bracelet, no new invasions until 2029: The tough concessions Trump is demanding from Putin

14th February 2025

TRUMP may have offered Putin everything he wants before peace talks have started, but he does have non-negotiable demands of his own:

A truly beautiful selfie

Not just a quick one, in which Trump may not look his best. A genuine lock screen quality selfie, taken from a high angle, with both parties looking at the camera with a smile of warm camaraderie. If Putin is willing to put an arm around Trump’s shoulders sanctions can be lifted.

Exchange of friendship bracelets

To be worn at all times, even in bed. Handmade like those seen on the Eras tour but stern and macho. The bracelets will be exchanged in front of the world’s press with a crossed-arms gesture that can be repurposed to advertise Elon Musk’s X.

Bering Strait to be widened

It has recently come to President Trump’s attention that Alaska is surprisingly close to Russia due to the world being – according to scientists, though yet to be verified by Fox News presenters – round. The strait between them should be widened until it reaches sea status. There is plenty of Pacific that can be used.

No invasions before 2029

Ukraine will obviously be invaded again. That’s simple reality of the kind which liberals find so galling to accept. But to allow Russia to build up its armed forces and Trump to enjoy a second term of peace, no second invasion is to take place for a minimum of four years. Putin will be called upon to pinky-swear.

Oil, gas, coal, rare earth minerals, etcetera

Trump’s advisers believe the US business community should profit from the deal and he is always happy to give them little treats. So some oil or gas or other carbon-producing fuel would be good, and some minerals? For technology. Especially AI technology.

Replacement wives

Russian women are hot. Melania is a Russian woman, though she insists on being ‘Sloventian’ or some crap. She is, however, reverting to Russian stereotypes by not speaking and looking unhappy about something. Please undertake to supply a replacement and further replacements whenever necessary. They should look broadly the same.

Seven classic expenses fiddles they can't touch you for. By Rachel Reeves

14th February 2025

WE all like to supplement our salary with dodgy expense claims, but even a pro like me gets caught out sometimes. Stick to these classic scams and HR won’t be able to touch you.

Blank cab receipts

‘D’you want me to leave that blank?’ are the seven magic words every expenses scammer wants to hear. And sometimes cabbies will offer you some blank receipts as soon as you mention expenses. Which is good of them, although only fair after you’ve listened to a mindbendingly tedious story about dropping someone off at an airport which you suspect has caused minor but permanent brain damage.

Duplicate expenses submissions

Most companies accept digital copies of expense receipts, and it’s unlikely anyone will notice that an unremarkable £32.50 receipt for a meal at a Premier Inn has been submitted twice. The beauty of this is that if someone queries it you can just say you got your receipts mixed up or you thought the email hadn’t gone through. Sweet. Elliott f**king Ness couldn’t pin that on you.

Meal scam #1: Unnecessary meals with clients

This is simply taking clients or ‘contacts’ out for dinner so ridiculously often you save a fortune on eating food at home. The drawback is that you’ll end up talking about work after already spending all day there, so it helps if you’ve got a high boredom threshold. Luckily I do, due to being into chess and spending a lot of time with Keir Starmer.

Meal scam #2: Unnecessary meals with work buddies

These are much more fun – you can cut loose with the booze and go to restaurants you couldn’t normally afford while pretending it’s work. Unfortunately doing this at HBOS is what got me in the news this week. I couldn’t possibly comment. ‘Reeves’ team vigorously denied the allegations’ is how the BBC reported it. And unfortunately may be reporting again.

Blank restaurant receipts

A variant on the cab receipt fiddle, but worth more. Some waiters will be uneasy about giving you a receipt for obvious petty fraud purposes, but they’re used to dealing with twats, and at least you’re not ordering an ‘extra-hot hottest curry they’ve got’ then sending it back for being too hot.

High-value stationery cupboard items

More ‘theft’ than an expenses fiddle, but in the same ballpark. During bank heists amateurs go for the tills, whereas the pros target the high-denomination notes in the vault. In much the same way you need to home in on the big ticket stationery cupboard items like printer cartridges and catering packs of Nescafe. A few of those and you’re looking at a score of easily 100 quid. Leave the Post-its and the biros for the shit-munchers.

Fraudulent petrol claims

Pretty straightforward – exaggerate your petrol costs and pocket the difference. The only problem is that to clean up with this scam your job needs to involve a lot of driving, and that basically means being a sales rep. That’s not really something that appeals unless you enjoy spending half your life in a mid-range Vauxhall Corsa. And you’re a suited and booted wanker into golf, Coldplay and hanging.