PEOPLE who take 120 hours to send one-word replies to texts may seem like piss-takers, but they have their flimsy reasons. Such as these…

We were crafting the perfect response

You may think it would only take two seconds to type ‘cool’ and tap send, but you’re wrong. We mull over our words like craftsmen, sweating every detail from the capitalisation to the lack of punctuation. It may take us a while to refine our replies to perfection, but you’re left with an artisan text you can treasure forever. You’re welcome.

We didn’t want to look overly keen

Replying to a text immediately is pathetic. It makes you look as if you have nothing better to do with your life than to stay in contact with your friends. By taking five business days to respond we create an air of cool indifference. Would Steve McQueen have responded to texts immediately? We think not. Unless Ali McGraw told him to stop being a wanker. And the history of technology had been entirely different.

We didn’t think it was urgent

Oh, you needed to know immediately if we could give you a lift into town? Why didn’t you say? We thought it was just a general inquiry which could be responded to at a leisurely pace. In future, please write ‘This is an emergency, reply now’, otherwise how are we to know? We’ll do our best to get back to you in three days instead.

We’re trying to hark back to a simpler time

A time before texts and emails. A time when messages were written by hand and posted in letterboxes or delivered by horse. The world was a better place back then if you ignore all the societal problems. By taking nearly a week to reply we’re bringing those good old days back. Like the Amish, except without the silly hats and crazy beards.

We like to build suspense

Anticipation is more exciting than the main event. Look at Jaws. We know you’re dying to find out if we can make it to the pub tonight or if we’re going to the cinema at the weekend, but where’s the fun in telling you straight away? Keeping you hanging generates a buzz, especially if we type for a few seconds without actually sending a message. It’ll make our eventual reply of ‘maybe’ all the more thrilling.