Lifestyle

A MAN who organises his life with military precision has a laminated printout of favourite masturbation fantasies working on a 21-day rotating schedule.

A WOMAN has admitted she adores everything about the natural world once sanitised on screen.

IT is now obligatory, on visiting a Christmas market, to pronounce it ‘hell’, ‘hellish’ and that Beelzebub himself was operating the churro stall. Here are some key differences worth noting.

LIDL has launched a middle aisle advent calendar for men of a certain age who cannot wait to see if they get a glass engraving kit or inflatable coracle.

A MIDDLE-AGED man has admitted he is reduced to tears when there are threats to take his beloved golliwog away.

COSMETIC surgeons worldwide are fielding a massive influx of clients who want to be given the unique look of lifelong Wigan residents.

MIDDLE-class mums on cocaine one week, middle-class mums on Tramadol the next. I’m blasting skunk nightly. Where’s my f**king Daily Mail article?

SURELY she isn’t. But then there are odd little hints that your significant other is masturbating as frenziedly as a man would. These are the signs.

CHANGING rooms are carefully designed to make you feel repulsed by yourself, the items you are considering buying, the whole concept of clothing and the world, it has emerged.

A KINDLY old man has reassured younger people that the thrill of masturbation never fades.