Lifestyle

THE memory that makes a man feel most happy and at peace is of his local branch of Screwfix, it has emerged.

IT is fine for a woman to use cocaine as long as it has horrifically awful consequences and she repents like a medieval witch, the Daily Mail has decided.

A TEENAGER will not come out of his bedroom and talk to his parents unless they pay a call-out fee of £50, it has emerged.

A MAN who has spent 16 years in London has moved back to Wolverhampton so he can be closer to those who do not earn nearly as much money as he does.

A MAN is under the strange impression that neutering his dog will have a direct and irreversible effect on his own manhood.

FRIENDS who always cancel plans to go out do not like you and are not your friends, research has found.

FROM July you’ll have to verify your age to view internet porn. Here is a leaked draft of the questions you’ll be asked to prove you're a responsible masturbator over the age of 18.

LOOKING to rent a room in one of Britain’s finest overpriced cities? Here are your options from bad to worse to somehow even worser.

A JUDGE in Croydon has ruled that air-kissing is not sexual harassment. So which other friendly gestures aren’t criminal but remain incredibly irritating?

ALL your WhatsApp groups sharing irritating aspirational resolutions? Here’s how to transform their commitment to bettering themselves into your moment to shine.