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THANKS to 5G and Facetune, approaching potential romantic partners is easier than ever. On the internet. Anywhere else is inappropriate.

They mocked John Harvey Kellogg for inventing corn flakes as an anti-masturbation suppressant, but you rarely see someone have a wank whilst they’re eating them.

IT WAS the greatest day of the year, Remembrance Sunday, when the door was smashed down and armed police rushed the house.

WAKING up with a hangover that causes me to emit several small pieces of my brain when I sneeze, I realise I have had a nightmare in which I dreamt I was an insipid, bespectacled fellow called ‘Welby’.

HI. Sorry for calling you 17 times from an unknown number. It's former heavyweight champion of the world ‘Iron’ Mike Tyson here. Can I speak to you about your internet provider?

CAN Ryan Whittaker, Now TV and Apple TV, and Hannah Tomlinson, Netflix and Disney Plus, forge a meeting of minds despite the gulf between them?

Let’s play rock paper scissors, best of three. Rock. Rock. Rock.

Waking up with a morning head that feels as if I have eaten a pair of dead man’s soiled trousers dumped outside the door of a charity shop, I turn on the radio to hear the grimmest of grim news.

TO make America even greater? Make it larger. I plead with you, President Trump, to end our socialist misery and annex the UK.

FEW of us have a high opinion of our own features at the best of times. When locked in a rictus of orgasm, contorted with explosive bliss, it’s worse.