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JULIAN Cook, aged 46, is a knackered dad of five children. 38-year-old Lauren Hewitt lives alone in a flat with a washing machine not permanently full of PE kit. Can it work?

So now you’ve met the PinkPantheress, the rinky-dink Pantheress, have you ever met a Pantheress whose songs were so short?

WAKING with a hangover so intense my head is glowing green and I can actually see my skull when I look in the mirror, I drink an entire fish tank of water to rehydrate and reflect on my week. 

TIME for a city break. I'm no lover of the Hun, but I keep hearing good things about Berlin. So not being one to harp on about the fact that we kicked their arses twice at World Wars, I'm giving it a go.

IT’S real, it’s here, it’s happening and you’re about to get some, and now you’re going to ruin the moment by bringing feelings into it?

Jon Bon Jovi, singer of Bon Jovi, had no idea he had named his band after himself. ‘F**k me,’ he said, ‘you’re right.’

WAKING with a hangover that leaves me reluctant to excrete lest I void not just my bowels but also my abdomen of vital organs, I reflect on another week in my stewardship of the church.

WAGWAN? Man ‘as been in turbo-turmoil dis week, fam. Active J wanted man’s peng form teacher Miss Jackson to see him’s new trim wiv slightly more fade but her did not come in.

MURDER. Once it was an ugly word, referring to vile acts that took place in filthy alleys and the homes of the destitute that it was besmirching to even read about.

Jarvis Cocker really should have changed the lyrics of Disco 2000 to the past tense.