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WAKING up with a hangover that according to my Geiger counter readings is technically a nuclear incident, I reflect on the week’s events, not least the new presidency.

ACTIVE J ‘as da January blues. Coz man ‘as been bare dumped. Lady G is no longer peng gyaldem. Her went off da scale at Active J in da cinema, for no reason at all, innit.

SOCIAL media has blighted society with its stupid trends. Just take planking, flossing, and the ice bucket challenge, all of which I participated in.

What did ghosts wear before sheets were invented?

WAKING with a hangover that has caused me to throw up a large chunk of my liver, I swallow an aspirin and reflect on a request for spiritual guidance on the LA wildfires.

HEY everyone! Zendaya here. The most famous person in the world if you're under 25. So famous I'm known by only one name, like Cher, Bono or Shipman. 

BILLIONAIRE Elon Musk has fallen in love with converting Europe to fascism, and he is pressing his ardour. Will Joanna Kramer, aged 44, fall to his shock troops?

“But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved the Duolingo owl.”

​​WAKING with a hangover so intense I have my secretary make inquiries with the Swiss authorities as to whether they provide assisted decapitation, I recall my recent run-in with Elon Musk.

WHO is Keir Starmer protecting so steadfastly, with his refusal to grant the inquiry requested by Elon Musk on X? Jeremy Corbyn? Prince Andrew? No. Himself.