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Kid A, and other records that risk turning you into a wanker

MUSIC snobs love to prove their superiority with their ‘challenging’ choices. But be warned - coming into contact with these albums may make you one of them. 

I am the gammon Vorderman, Holly Valance confirms

AUSTRALIAN model and actress Holly Valance has confirmed she is the right-wing equivalent of Carol Vorderman.

How I'll escape being trapped in Taylor Swift's friendzone, by Ed Sheeran

TAYLOR and I have been platonic collaborators for 12 years, and that’s a lot of wanking. This is how I plan to finally make it out of the friendzone.

All sunset photos the same

EVERY photograph of a sunset, whether taken by a professional photographer in the Maldives or on an iPhone 6S in Llandudno, looks exactly the same.

Sandbanks, and other locations exclusively populated by rich wankers

THERE are neighbourhoods where only wealthy knobheads can afford to live, but oddly you’re meant to care about them. Residents of these areas can piss off.

Only advice women ever give is 'dump him'

THE only advice ever given by women, no matter what the situation, is now ‘dump him’, it has emerged.

Life-ruining heartbreak referred to as 'my then girlfriend'

A MAN respectfully refers to the devastating heartbreak which sent his life spiralling into a black despair from which it may never recover as his ‘then girlfriend’.

How to chat up birds: dating advice from a scaffolder

OI! MATE! Yeah you, across the street. Having trouble meeting birds? Sad bastard. Here’s how to tell her you’re emotionally available by shouting from three storeys up.

Man eating lunch at desk to show off

A COLLEAGUE is eating lunch at his desk for the sole purpose of making everyone he works with look bad, he has confirmed.

'GB News platoon reporting for duty, sah'

THE bravest and doughtiest fighters of Britain are here to fight, sah! And with platoon GB News joining battle the war is as good as won.