YOU’VE curated your dating profile to give an entirely inaccurate impression. These are the entirely accurate conclusions everyone draws in one glance:

You’re too self-conscious to be passionate

Describing yourself as ‘passionate’ in the kitchen while posing shirtless and uncomfortably cocking a spatula fools nobody. The glint in your eye isn’t just ‘shit-is-that-my-flatmate-coming-in’, you’re the kind of person who feels awkward even in orgasm. Also a dead giveaway: poses with phallic-shaped foodstuffs, any kind of hat. 

You’re desperately unadventurous

Using phrases like ‘I know how to please a man’ is not alluringly confident, but a nervous attempt to sound like a Bond girl. Much like ‘Ladies, you’ll be in good hands’ it exposes your basic unease with genital contact and your hope it will end at spooning. 

You claim to be kinky

Where are the specifics? Because the real foot-f**kers come straight out and say it, they’re not shy. A general claim of kinkiness guarantees a) fluffy handcuffs b) the assertion that a perfectly normal predilection like ear-licking is a kink c) the eventual admission of a real, truly shameful kink which cannot be indulged, and then he leaves. 

You believe sex is transactional

Me, on a jetski? Me, at a fancy bar? Me, at a Champions League game? The left side of my body cropped out on every photo? It might as well have a woman’s body with a blank oval saying ‘your face here’? Sex will be regular, unvaried and tacitly exchanged for VIP tickets for Peaky Blinders nights. 

You can’t talk

There are times when emojis really come into their own. And that’s in communicating with the illiterate. If you’re not looking to hook up with a McDonald’s drive thru manager, you’re demonstrating you’re pre-verbal and that sex with you will be brutish and short. Not a red flag to everybody: brutish and short can be popular. Vin Diesel has starred in many films. 

You’re currently prepared to f**k anyone anyhow

This red flag is tripped by your mentioning your ex. In your profile. A lot. The profile therefore exists largely to hurt him, you will be prepared to cross sexual boundaries in order to teach him an incomprehensible lesson, it will be squalid and regrettable and that sound is a million fingers swiping right.