TOO afraid to share you’re a furry with your wife? You’re right to be, she’ll leave you. Only a freak wants to be done by a 42-year-old mortgage advisor in a Pepé Le Pew costume.
But share the right intimate secret, and you’ll make her as horny as a teenager who’s just discovered this late-night film has tits in. Judge it wrong, and it’ll be like when your father-in-law mentioned his prostate exam over Sunday lunch. Keep these to yourself:
“Yeah, so I’m into forced stepbrother hypno-sissification?”
Everyone has a porn niche. The older you are, the more specific your search string becomes. Never share it. Your girlfriend’s widening eyes will tell you this is seven or eight steps past normal, that you are a sick man and she will forever regard you with the utmost suspicion. While keeping her predilection for ‘shaving soldiers’ scenes to herself.
“I wouldn’t want it in my mouth much if I’m honest”
Move your gut to one side, look down at your genitals, and would you fancy it? Can you not therefore sympathise with your husband’s reluctance to kiss the clam? Being honest, would you rather he kept his dick below waist level? Congratulations: you’ve removed oral from your marriage. You’ll miss it.
“You don’t actually make me come”
Nobody ever has, it’s fine, you explain, while your boyfriend realises he has been living a lie for 18 months and pours his penis a glass of neat Scotch, for the shock. Perhaps this will inspire lovers to be the first! Perhaps, grateful for the free pass, they won’t bother. Become familiar with the phrase ‘Well, if you’re not coming either way, you could…’
“I actually lost something up there the other day”
Don’t specify what. A baby cucumber, a Fitbit, no worries since it was recovered. His rueful acceptance of your insensate and capacious vagina will undermine your confidence in its erotic performances, though you’ll try harder to avoid having to describe yourself as ‘a bit roomy’ on Bumble.
“Secrets? No, this is pretty much it”
Are you really so vanilla that you have no secrets to share? No f**ked-up fantasies involving a smart suit, the Countdown clock and Rachel being a squirter? Nobody will believe you. Word will go round you’re into some shit that’s really dark.
