Society

THE majority of British children should be excused school as it is a waste of their and society’s time, say experts.

THE men who cut down the Sycamore Gap tree have been cornered by a copse of menacing oaks in the prison showers hissing ‘Where’s your chainsaw now?’

ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!

ARE you furious about sickness benefits supposedly paying more than a job? Clearly it’s time to start claiming yourself since it’s so easy and lucrative. Here’s how.

A SENIOR judge has invited the public to look at the cretins and halfwits on the average jury and ask if they would like to be judged by them.

A TOTAL f**king wuss has confessed the odour of cannabis makes him feel terribly unsafe and as if police should arrest everyone within a 500ft radius who is not him.

THE objectively awful town of Skegness runs a hop-on, hop-off open-top bus service so people can tour its grim sights at their leisure.

BEEN slapped with a speeding fine? Convinced this is one of those laws that doesn't really count? Wriggle out of paying it with these clever excuses that will convince nobody.

THE train is into the station. You’re closest to the door button. But you sense the other passengers’ doubt. Can he handle this? Will he crack up?

THE arrival of summer has primed a father to condescendingly share his exhaustive lawn care knowledge with his ignorant family.