Society

F**king freshers everywhere: A guide to first term in a university town for non-students

CAN you no longer walk down the high street without being stuck behind a gaggle of self-important slowly-perambulating freshers ? This is your next ten weeks:

You've not seen your neighbour's dog today: Proof that immigrants are eating pets where you live

TRUMP wasn’t lying about immigrants eating pets. They’ve been doing it in Britain for years, and there's a mountain of evidence if you know where to look. Such as this...

Luton considers bringing in tourist tax

THE picturesque town of Luton in Bedfordshire is considering a levy on visitors to pay for the upkeep of its iconic but over-touristed streets.

Leaving the toilet seat up proves we didn't piss through it, say perfect gentlemen

MEN have explained that they leave the toilet seat up not because they are lazy bastards, but so women can feel confident it will not be covered in piss.

Britain headed for tattooed pensioner crisis

THE UK faces a generation of old people with inappropriate tattoos from neck tattoos to entire sleeves, experts have warned.

Six things girls do that men wrongly and optimistically consider to be lesbian

WOMEN can hardly pillow-fight in frilly nightwear while giggling without men salivating over its sexy sapphism. These behaviours give them the hopeful horn...

Labour to fill your town with more ghastly little boxes and the 'people' who 'live' in them

THE government is to force councils, even in nice places, to build nasty little red boxes and to pack them with the kind of humans who can consider such a thing ‘home’.

No survey was necessary to confirm British 15-year-olds are miserable twats

A SURVEY which found UK 15-year-olds have the lowest life satisfaction in Europe has come as no surprise to their parents.

Angel, and other bits of London that sound nice but aren't

PERUSING an Underground map, you imagine London is filled with beautiful, charming enclaves. How wrong you are, for these quaint-sounding areas are actually shitholes.

This bank holiday the worst one, Britain agrees

THE August bank holiday is easily the worst of all the year’s bank holidays, the UK has decided.