WOMEN can hardly pillow-fight in frilly nightwear while giggling without men salivating over its sexy sapphism. These behaviours give them the hopeful horn:
Sleepovers
Lips do not brush, bosoms remain unheaved and carnal curiosity fails to overwhelm at sleepovers. It’s all bitching, overeating and wearing hydrating face masks for that Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibe. Under 21s are braiding each other’s hair, doing dance routines for TikTok and you shouldn’t be thinking about them anyway.
Holding hands
A woman holding another woman’s hand is not necessarily secret same-sex passion as skin touches skin, but because they don’t want to lose each other in crowds of tall bastards. Ditto hugging which is borne of hate and resentment, in the manner of all female friendships.
Post break-up comfort
While a man manfully drinks whiskey alone, women rush for comfort. Does a tearful hottie cuddling a friend lead to snogging and sex where both parties know where the clitoris is? No. It’s more wine, drunken caterwauling, unhingedly positive Instagram posts and a guy like you not allowed to watch sexy frolics but to restore her ego before, nine months in, she admits she’s still not over Derek.
Lingerie shopping
Even rational, thinking men believe women shop for underwear together, trying on several sexy styles before making out in the changing room. Reality presents more Spanx than spanking, alongside boner-busting chats about the structural engineering required to hold a tit comfortably. Nipple-sucking discussions are related to nursing bras.
Wrestling
Men pretend that sweaty, scantily-clad hotties grappling with each other is a non-sexual activity but Gladiators does, as does the Olympics. Their claims to respect the sport spring from fantasies the girls are fighting over them before they say ‘Ladies, no need to be disappointed!’ When realistically it would lead to everyone being disappointed.
Going to the toilet together in nightclubs
Men aren’t ignorant. They’ve seen Basic Instinct. They know full well that a couple of chicks in a cubicle together is girl-on-girl action. Not taking turns the broken door while the other one urinates, doing a cheeky line and hoping the bloke with the lustful stare who was hanging around has pissed off. That’s you, by the way.
