ANDY Burnham has been photographed in his smart uniform by his proud mother before his first day as prime minister.

DESPITE the UK’s natural unwillingness to help the unfortunate, Burnham’s plan to end rough sleeping has won support because they are rather scruffy.

WHY the hysteria? Climate change can’t be fought. Instead, follow these simple rules and you’ll find yourself savouring the wildfires in your neighbourhood.

I TRIUMPHED in the Clacton by-election, therefore Count Binface must face the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Because that is democracy in action.

LABOUR MPs have founded a private school themed around the working classes so their children can grow up knowing hardship, but safely.

A WOMAN who listens to podcasts about violent crime in every spare moment would prefer never to be the victim of a violent crime herself, she has admitted.

WAKING up with a hangover so excruciating I crave a head transplant, I pop an Alker-Seltzer and pray to any god who'll listen for relief.

AN irritating friend has once again steered a group's conversation towards an anecdote all about himself.

CRITICISING any of Britain's many, many flaws will see immigrants shipped off for sheer bloody ingratitude, the government has announced.

THERE is no arousing word for a lady’s underthings and most kill the mood stone dead. We rank them from bad to worst.

A WOMAN who popped into her local sex shop while already feeling a little frisky has left it more than £200 down.

WONDERING why you’re paying hundreds a month for a dingy hallway, stolen parcels and a sticker with a QR code for an online scam in the lift? Check out these features.

THE UK’s leading financial expert Martin Lewis has recommended spending cash on escorts and good times because life is ultimately a finite resource.

UPTIGHT middle-class couples indulge in the ultimate taboo in the bedroom and pretend they’re common. These are six of their darkest fantasies.

COSY crime is booming, and real-life murderers are not immune to its charms with more and more unsolved killings marked by tweeness.

CUDDLING all night without it turning sexual was a blissful way to spend time together, a man who frantically masturbated at 3am has told a new girlfriend.

FINALLY tempted someone off the apps to a real-life date, then spotted a genuine stunner across the bar? Use these tips to keep the one you have until you trade up.

WOMEN have reminded their boyfriends, husbands and male family members that they can see who they follow on Instagram and have no intention of pretending they cannot.

A NEWLYWED woman throwing her bouquet is very obviously trying to ensure it lands in the hands of a particular unwed friend.

A man who emerged from the bathroom ready for intercourse is pretending he did not wash his horrible knob in his girlfriend's lovely sink.

A WOMAN is concerned that her one-night liaison with a personable stranger is moving a little too fast for both of them.

A GAMING franchise centred on enacting criminal violence against innocents seems to be so beautiful it could heal the world, fans believe.

THE abyss of an age verification check has gazed back at a man preparing to prove he is old enough to access pornography.

ONLYFANS has revolutionised the way lonely men abuse themselves to sickeningly specific fetishes while thinking a direct debit constitutes a relationship. Do these and earn back.

ALRIGHT, you’re not that fascinating, but your company is less predictable than the 10,000th hour of Tank Wars. Get that phone down with these techniques.

A CRAP desk fan from Argos is questioning whether it has the fortitude to keep its owner cool through a fifth heatwave.

I AM proud to announce we have successfully landed a SpaceX rocket on the – what? That’s not Mars? You have to be f**king shitting me.

TICKETS to see Bob Dylan have been dynamically priced in correlation with his life expectancy. These musicians also use the spectre of their imminent loss to jack up the price.

HOW To Lose A Man In 10 Days is to get a sequel the public neither asked for nor deserves. What forgettable movies must now have the same?

STRUGGLING to grieve for Tim Curry because you spent your teenage years way too into The Rocky Horror Show and don’t want to be reminded of it? You did all these.

DOLLY Parton was a lovely person but her music was, well, country. Nonetheless you hate to miss out, so join in the ongoing public mourning by claiming to love these songs.

THE BBC is rebooting Top Gear and of course, like everything else that damned corporation produces, it will be hideously wokified. Miserable white man Roy Hobbs imagines the presenting shortlist.

AS a rugged action hero, I f**king hate it when one of the lads hoofs the ball over a fence. Here’s how I retrieve what’s rightfully mine while minimising the death count.

THE men who spent an entire decade joking about, and thinking about, Dolly Parton's spectacular bosom are also mourning her today.

HARRY and Meghan are thought to be reeling in shock after their whole return to Britain was shattered by a picture of beautiful Kate smiling delightedly.

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex are moving to Britain, and we’ve all got our own legally inadmissible opinions as to why. What’s yours?

MEN in offices have explained to their superiors that today is also a bank holiday if you are sufficiently into football.

MONEY is vulgar. We know you’re applying for this position because you believe you can maximise value for our shareholders. That’s why we prefer not to bring it up.

A MANAGER has reserved 30 minutes of a meeting to give his team a thorough briefing on his recent fortnight of seven-star luxury in the Dutch Antilles.

AN office worker is living in fear of a colleague who believes he is a real friend and not merely a work friend. 

FANCY being able to call yourself something impressive like ‘tycoon’? Sadly these occupations are not open to the likes of you average income peasants.

DRINKERS under 40 are not managing to keep pace with their elders, leading to awkward round-buying and life-expectancy disparities.

MOST of England will be covered by amber heat health alerts for the next three days. How does that translate to lager consumption? Dr Helen Archer explains.

THERE’S a row over whether standing in pubs, or ‘vertical drinking’, should be banned. But there are plenty of other irritations to ban first, like these. 

HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.

I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.