UP for a scrap with the lefties, and it’s Easter? Willing to leverage chocolate eggs being in shops into a solid reason for an outburst of anti-Muslim prejudice? Here’s how.

HAVE you ditched your significant other in dramatic fashion but now realise you want them back? Win them over with this guide.

THERE feels something a tad amiss about my state visit to the US. Almost as if the prime minister is a back-alley ‘pimp’, and I am to take the role of his ‘bitch’.

WHEN Trump insults Britain and our Royal Navy does he mean the country, which is outrageous, or our prime minister, which is great?

THE goal has been set: find the supposedly stolen phone of former Starmer aide Morgan McSweeney, end the current government and choose the next one. Here’s how:

THE hellscape of modern society is the result of decades of dickheads beavering away. But here are six awful aspects your mum blames on you personally.

ESSEX’S entrepreneurs has admitted they are concerned about asylum seekers because criminal migrants could encroach on their own well-established illegal activities.

A DRIVER has taken a long, hard look at his life after being confronted with a disappointed face on an electronic road sign.

THE police have confirmed they do not investigate the vast majority of burglaries because the shops are open and you can get another laptop this afternoon.

GO on then, if you’re so convinced of Britain’s credentials as a Christian country, how do we celebrate Palm Sunday? No looking at the New Testament.

A MAN has won a bravery award for talking down a suicide bomber in a hospital. But inveterate cowards should be prepared for such situations too. Here’s what to do.

FATHERHOOD is the most important experience a man will have in his life, apart from 100 per centing GTAV, but it can be harrowing. These men scored small, humiliating victories.

A MOTHER moving to a smaller house is offloading tons of useless shite on her adult children rather than take it to the tip.

YOU don't want to answer the phone during your sexual ‘me time’, but it could be important. Here’s what you need to consider, depending on who it is.

A MAN wearing a Ramones T-shirt in 2026 has been asked if he is aware there is more recent music.

EXCITED about the new tax year? Here’s how to party like an accountant before a thrilling new fiscal year begins in April. Don’t forget the Alka-Seltzer!

WHY engage a professional when you’ve subliminally picked up everyday skills from seeing them in the opening scenes of filth? You already know how to do this.

A WOMAN is laughably concerned her new boyfriend might find her bisexuality off-putting, rather than an endless source of titillation.

A BRIDE and groom are so thrilled with themselves they have stolen a nationally-mandated four-day weekend of freedom from more than 100 people.

A MAN has wisely asked his girlfriend’s cat for permission to marry her.

TRIED to spice things up with dirty texts and been rebuffed? Here’s how to move onto a much safer topic: the British weather.

BREAKING up is hard to do, and it would be wrong to outsource it to a Large Language Model like all other hard work. That’s why all of these are human and genuine.

YOU’VE seen her hungover. You’ve seen her cry over a situationship. You’ve even seen her attempt to reverse park. Now, for a nightmare week in Marbella, you meet the real her.

THE Artemis mission is underway, but space travel has been ruined by sci-fi. Try not to yawn as the astronauts send back incredible images of our moon, and not these things:

GOVERNMENT guidance has called for screen time to be limited for children under five. But frankly these other groups could do with some restrictions too.

LEONID Radvinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has passed on aged just 43. These are the ways users and content creators are remembering the billionaire who did so much for filth.

CELEBRITIES at an Oscars party have complained about the excessively bright lighting making them look bad. Quite right - photos always present a falsely unattractive image of you. Here’s why.

IT would just be like so wrong to deprive teenagers like me of my socials because I have grew up with it and there is all what you learn from it, right?

ARE you genuinely excited about the upcoming Harry Potter TV series on HBO? Here’s how to find the urgent psychiatric help you clearly need.

A NEW cartoon based on Trainspotting will be a joyful learning experience for the under-fives, author Irvine Welsh has promised.

HAD a hit? Enjoying the money and blowjobs, but feel it does not adequately reflect who you are as artists? Then record your next album in your own colon, like these.

AN injustice has been done. And if any of you bastards here replacing tyres dares suggest Train Dreams’s sublime meditation on civilisation rightly lost, I will f**k you up.

THE two lost Doctor Who episodes now recovered include a scene where the protagonist gives a Dalek hand relief, the BBC has confirmed.

INSPIRATIONALLY, I spent last night watching man-on-man romance and writing breathless fan fiction about it. Because I am a woman and my sexuality is radical.

DESPITE decades of documentaries, costumes and gay lovers, here are the people your dad is convinced were just a bit flamboyant.

RETIRING BBC presenter Carol Kirkwood has announced that after 28 years of weather, she and it are no longer involved in any way.

A MAN has engaged in a thoroughly virtuous masturbatory session over the Princess of Wales.

SCOTT Mills has been fired from the Radio 2 breakfast show, leaving a yawning beige gap of vapidity. Who could possibly replace him?

HI guys, Scott Mills here, and to answer the question on everyone’s mind, yes, I have been living in quiet terror for ten years.

AFTER a convoluted incident in which a security guard made a child cry near singer Chappell Roan, it may be your duty to hate her now. Or it may not. Let’s examine this important event.

A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.

ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.

A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.

AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.

NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.