International

WHAT the f**k? Why am I at a podium? Who are all these people with microphones and questions? I thought I was on a Tinder date?

THE UK cannot fathom what connection there could possibly be between Russia, Trump, Farage, Brexit, huge amounts of money and naked greed. We puzzle it out:

THE Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded, and once again President Trump has been overlooked in favour of a nobody. What does he have to do?

THE US is to livestream a man’s execution and promises that, unlike certain other recent executions, the victim will definitely die this time.

CHINA’S Xi Jinping has stunned rivals by bribing Trump with two adult panda bears. How are other world leaders going to beat that?

THE UK has drawn up a formal agreement to receive sovereignty over the Chagos Islands in return for giving Mauritius Piddington.

A US president’s suggestion that Ireland should reunify as soon as possible would have triggered riots, terrorism and political crisis if he were not a shite-spouting halfwit.