International

REPUBLICAN sources have examined the assassination attempt on Trump and ascribed every individual element of it to wokeness.

A BRITON striving to understand the politics of France and the French people has admitted, after yesterday’s vote, he only really gets the wine and the trains.

THE French have confirmed that, sick of being the victim, they are stepping up to be the continent’s premier xenophobic nationalists.

JOE Biden is too infirm to be president, so gay liberal Hollywood has no option but to step in. Who should replace him for the showdown against Trump?

LONG-RUNNING Neighbours character Julian Assange, best remembered for a storyline where he revealed Erinsborough’s secrets, is returning to the soap.

FAR-RIGHT? Doing well with the patriots? They must never find out about your crush on the Prince Adam of the East, President Putin? Throw them off the scent.

FAR-RIGHT lunatics are seizing power across Europe, but which of these boggle-eyed xenophobes is fit to fill Adolf Hitler’s jackboots?

HAVING just returned from France, which is shit, Grace Wood-Morris can state definitively that it does not count as a proper holiday abroad.