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'Bring me your sex traffickers, your money launderers, your rapists and pimps'

THE quote on the Statue of Liberty has been amended to reflect those who are now welcomed to the US.

After Romania bowed to political pressure to allow Andrew Tate and his brother to fly to the country, the inscription now invites anyone who has met standards for being a right-wing dickhead on the internet to come on in.

Head of the National Parks Service Joe Turner, formerly Trump’s racist pedicurist, said: “‘Give us your tired, your poor’? Nuh-uh. We don’t want their huddled asses.

“What we’re after now are guys who’ve made something of themselves. For example, an asshole from Luton who got kicked out of Big Brother 2016 who, through nothing more than rampant misogyny on social media, has become a star.

“Refugees? People who by definition have nothing? Why would we? When instead we can get a British man who has set new standards in overcompensating for early hair loss. Sex traffic’s our kind of traffic.

“I’m thinking ‘Bring me your sex traffickers etcetera, your far-right influencers with at least three million followers on X, your cancelled truth-tellers yearning to libel freely’. That should get Katie Hopkins on board.

“Oh, and any police officer who’s ever shot a black man in any circumstances. Providing they’re white.”

Which dick moves will Trump be using to intimidate Starmer?

TRUMP is exactly the sort of dick to use pathetic psychological tricks to establish his dominance. So what alpha male bullshit will he be trying with Starmer?

Making him sit on a stupidly low chair

Pointless if you think about it, because precisely how high someone is sitting doesn’t change how powerful they are. It wouldn’t, for example, do you much good with Joseph Stalin or a Terminator 800. However Vladimir Putin is known for this dick move, so Starmer will probably be sitting six inches off the floor.

Invading his personal space

This is usually standing way too close to someone, getting right up in their face or unexpected touching. However it’s so invasive some people will instinctively snap: ‘Can you stop invading my personal space, please?’ There’s no danger of that with Starmer, who’s turned out to be a malleable, spineless puppet who won’t object if Trump decides to sit on his lap. Let’s hope things go no further than that.

‘Pick up that pen, will you?’

Dropping a pen so that someone has to pick it up asserts your dominance if it’s clearly done deliberately. Unfortunately Trump doesn’t use a ballpoint like a normal adult, so he’ll have to drop his Sharpie felt-tip, which will just highlight what a childish arsehole he is. Luckily Donald has no self-awareness, or the ageing orange wanker would have cringed himself to death by now. 

Humiliating a minion 

All you do is call in a junior employee and bawl them out, eg. ‘Belinda, why isn’t there coffee for the meeting? ARE YOU STUPID, BELINDA?’ They’ll grovellingly apologise and you get to feel like a big man. Trump has no shortage of sickening toadies, so he’ll probably tell JD Vance to clean his personal toilet, sadistically adding it’s a ‘bit of a mess’ because a cheeseburger didn’t agree with him. 

Keeping him waiting

This is a favoured tactic of business dicks to show their victim how unimportant they are. Trump could keep Starmer waiting 20 minutes to unsettle him, a full hour to show him he’s been bumped by something else, or four hours just to show utter contempt. Again, there’s not much danger of Starmer objecting, and he’ll come up with something obsequious like: ‘It was actually really useful to have time to make some notes.’ 

Asking him an impossible question

Basically you ask a question where both answers could be the wrong one, with potentially horrible consequences, and watch your victim squirm. So Trump might ask: ‘I bet you’d like to f**k a hot piece of ass like Melania, huh?’ Once Starmer has painfully prevaricated for what feels like forever, Trump will then tell him it was all a joke and he can’t believe he fell for it.

‘Dance for me like a monkey!’

Trump is a moron and at some point will tire of relatively subtle mind games, instead just telling Sir Keir to ‘dance like a monkey’. And he will. Let’s just hope Trump doesn’t leave the room to spend a long weekend at Mar-a-Lago without telling Starmer to stop, or he could be dancing away until he drops dead from exhaustion.

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