PRESIDENT Trump has settled on a deal that will see Ukraine freed from the scourge of lithium that has blighted the country for too long.
After a delicate negotiation process where he demanded half of everything and called the other signatory a warmongering dictator, Trump and Zelensky have agreed a deal which will clear Ukraine of its dangerously valuable minerals.
The president said: “How can ordinary Ukranians rest easy knowing there are titanium deposits under their very feet, just waiting to be blown out of the ground with explosives?
“My special military operation will liberate the brave people of this country from the wealth which makes them such a tempting target. And by open-cast mining, we hope to eliminate hundreds of acres of irresistibly fertile farmland, too.”
Ukrainian president Zelensky agreed: “As a country, harbouring 19 million tonnes of graphite was irresponsible. Of course we got invaded! Of course it was our own fault!
“By stripping the earth of these fascist minerals and receiving almost nothing in return, we dramatically reduce Ukraine’s value. No longer will our fascist rare earth metals hold us at gunpoint. Peace in our time.”
He added: “It reminds me of the 1990s when we gave up our nuclear weapons in return for promises by the US, UK and Russia to guarantee our security. I hope that’s a good omen.”
