LIKE grasping a thistle, to truly love a Scottish band would only cause you pain. Their music has its merits, but these bands are inherently unloveable by virtue of nationality:
Franz Ferdinand, 2002-present
Half their original lineup were English, but a cursory glance at their lyrics reveals Franz Ferdinand to be as Scottish as tartan, butter tablet and heroin addiction. Look beyond the catchy riff and The Dark of the Matinee reeks of the despair of a teenager in an East Dunbartonshire shithole. Music was never meant to be this Scotch.
Belle and Sebastian, 1996-present
The unbearable tweeness of these indie stalwarts make them as rock and roll as a quaint Highland coastal village with pastel-coloured houses where the local vicar’s daughter is courting a handsome fisherman. The sonic equivalent of a fine knit v-neck slipover from the Edinburgh Woollen Mill.
Mogwai, 1995-present
Inspired by the Glaswegian weather, Mogwai’s music is relentless, bleak, and like living in East Kilbride: nothing interesting ever happens and any words spoken are unintelligible. Their loud-quiet-loud-quiet-loud shtick is the musical encapsulation of the pissed-hungover-pissed-hungover-pissed lifestyle.
Teenage Fanclub, 1989-present
With their infectious jangly guitars and top-drawer songwriting, why weren’t Teenage Fanclub as big as Oasis? Because they were Scottish. When performed north of the border, upbeat arrangements and intricate harmonies become a cruel parody of the classic sixties California sound. This isn’t sunshine pop. It’s severe weather warning pop.
Simple Minds, 1977-present
Thanks only to selling out every principle they ever had, Simple Minds made it big in the States. And, worse than simply being Scottish, they became America’s idea of Scottish. Jim Kerr and co turned into one of those Netflix Christmas films about someone who inherits a massive castle on the banks of a loch.
Primal Scream, 1982-present
Primal Scream are a load of different bands. Whether ripping off the Stones, soundtracking raves or taking a turn into post-industrial rock, their genre-hopping is less artful mix of disparate styles and more throwing random stuff together and hoping it works, making them as Scottish and as deeply unpalatable as a haggis.
