PRESIDENT Trump’s incoherent economic policies look set to plunge the US, and the world, into recession. Here’s how to laugh at that:
Watch him flounder
Trump is in no doubt that tariffs and mass firings haven’t caused any negative economic effects, because they were his idea. Enjoy him try to explain this from the Oval Office as incoherently as a six-year-old trying to remember what he’s heard on the news, before pivoting to unrelated bullshit about Hunter Biden.
Monitor Tesla’s share price
A president who doesn’t entirely believe in electricity comes into office, repeals all legislation promoting electric vehicles and disparages them to his devotees. Shares in Tesla plummet and his billionaire best friend is worth considerably less. It becomes awkward between them. Trump has to buy a Tesla to make up for it, though he doesn’t pay.
Sigh condescendingly at his voters
You voted for him, but you didn’t realise groceries would go up? You voted for him, but didn’t realise you’d lose your job? You voted for him, but nobody told you tariffs would cripple your business? Such a shame. So unexpected. If only somebody had warned you.
Pity the entitled
Cuts to government programmes are especially hard on the older bigot, busily decrying the idle of other races while high on Social Security and Medicaid. Which are next in line for cuts, and Elon Musk’s idea of intelligent pruning is to hold an essay contest judged by AI. Get ready to pen 500 words on ‘why I deserve healthcare and a pension’ for 5pm.
Revel in others’ success
The recession may be global, but companies thrive in stability and the USA can’t offer that so they’ll all flee overseas. Which coupled with a European arms race means a very selective boom that carefully avoids one former economic powerhouse. This wasn’t supposed to happen. All the other countries were meant to do what Trump told them.
Lose your job, car and house
Unfortunately the recession is global because the economy is global and your employer was, it seems, owned by a US hedge fund forced to divest by presidential order. You’ve lost everything because of Big Orange. Try to see the funny side! Do an impression of him while you wait in line for a ration of bread!
