FEMALE pupils are underperforming at maths and science. Here tradwife Hannah Tomlinson and unreconstructed 1970s sexist Roy Hobbs ask what can be done:
Hannah: The problem is that maths isn’t like making cupcakes. If maths was cupcake-based girls would excel at it. I’m not sure how you’d divide 25 cupcakes by seven without getting crumbs everywhere, but that would mean more cleaning and tidying for me, so yay!
Roy: We’ve got to accept that men and women’s brains are different shapes, which is why women can’t visualise cubes or drive. We need to give girls academic subjects more suited to their gender, like O-level Breastfeeding.
Hannah: Maths has always been for men – Pythagoras much? – and as a society we undermine traditional male roles at our peril. If a man is doing equations and his partner says ‘Move the known variable over the equals sign and make it negative’ his self-esteem will be crushed. Erectile dysfunction would be a direct consequence.
Roy: I can’t not think about erections in case I become a poofter, but Hannah’s right. Some bird banging on about the Fibonacci Sequence when you’re trying to watch The Sweeney, or not having your tea on the table because she’s been daydreaming about cosines all day, could ruin a marriage.
Hannah: There’s also the issue that boys tend to be more confident and demanding in lessons, which means they get all the teacher’s attention. Which I totally agree with.
Roy: What’s the point of girls doing maths anyway? You don’t need it to be an air hostess, nurse, dinner lady, receptionist or one of Pan’s People. Frankly I’m having difficulty seeing the problem here.
Hannah: I hate to disagree, Roy, because as a man you’re automatically right, but I believe women shouldn’t have jobs at all. As a tradwife I strongly feel all your time should be devoted to housework, preparing a meals and being attractive. Apart from your podcast. Spending 50 hours a week making optimised content on professional editing software doesn’t count as a job, obviously.
Roy: I didn’t understand that, but if we want women to be able to do maths for some reason, we’ve got to give them the right incentives. So if a woman gets a place at Cambridge to study maths, she automatically get on Countdown. Riley’s getting on a bit.
Hannah: I still feel being proficient at maths is unfeminine and threatening to men. In my perfect world women would be functionally innumerate and illiterate, like The Handmaid’s Tale but with pilates classes.
