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US demands Zelensky submit to daytime makeover

THE US will sign a deal with Zelensky if he agrees to appear on a popular US daytime show for a comprehensive makeover. 

Frustrated by the Ukrainian president’s drab attire and gloomy outlook, the White House has insisted that any deal is contingent on him being subject to a makeover broadcast live at 9am Eastern time.

Drew Barrymore, whose show Zelensky will be forcibly appearing on, said: “Sometimes our clothes control more than we can imagine.

“For example, if you show up dressed as a little Army man for a meeting with two powerful, macho alpha dogs it implies you know more about warfare and standing up to powerful enemies than they do. Which makes them feel small.

“So we’ll be slipping Volodymyr out of those dingy fatigues and all their symbolic weight and changing his whole palette. No more earth tones. Instead vibrant pinks, smoky oranges, acid greens and a bright red baseball hat.

“We’re shaving that beard, styling that hair, rouging those cheeks and moisturising like crazy. His skin’s so dry, where has he been, in a bunker?”

Zelensky said: “This new look gives me so much confidence, I no longer need security guarantees for the future of my nation! Thank you to my fairy godmother Trump.”

From Tomb Raider to Rightmove via masturbation: Your changing home computing over time

IF you’re 50 or under, the computer has always been there. Finding you porn, stealing you movies, and never once being used for home accounting. This is your journey: 

Tomb Raider, 1996

Gaming and big whirring beige boxes were synonymous when you were a kid. You were puzzled to learn that guiding top-heavy toffs around dinosaur-infested caves wasn’t the reason the microchip was invented. As if there could be a higher purpose to computing than the little moan Lara let out when run deliberately into walls, using one hand.

Masturbation, 1997-ongoing

Through your teenage years the computer whispered to you. ‘When can we be alone?’ ‘I’ve got MPEGs waiting for you.’ As far as you were concerned, www stood for wank wank wank. Even today, the beeps and whirrs of a dial-up modem are a Pavlovian erotic trigger.

iTunes, 2004-2008

For years, this was what you did with your life. Hours and hours uploading CDs to your online library, neglecting your love life and physical health in the pursuit of a comprehensive digital record collection. Then Spotify came along and made you look like a right twat.

Printing tickets and boarding passes 2008-2019

For a brief time, between the advent of E-tickets and widespread adoption of smartphones, print-your-own was all the rage. Your social life was entirely governed by how much ink was left in your printer. When it broke down the night before a flight you swore more than you’ve ever sworn before or since.

Masturbation again, but better, 2010-ongoing

It never really stopped. But 21st-century bandwidth is a different game, and with the advent of private browsing and in-pocket screens you can take it to different rooms. A new age of self-abuse, only endangered when the video becomes silent and you realise you’ve automatically connected to your son’s Bluetooth speaker.

Rightmove, 2014-ongoing

You’ve now settled into a middle-aged fetish for house prices, unable to glimpse a For Sale sign without logging on to disparage the curtains. A house five streets away has planning permission for an extension over the garage? That unassuming terrace has a 90ft back garden? Granny flat with separate entrance? And now you’ve wanking again.

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