WAKING with a hangover so intense that the blood trickling from my nose is bright green, I reflect on the special announcement I made yesterday to my parishioners.
‘My dearest brethren, I am sure you have all heard the latest awful news from America,’ I said solemnly. ‘It has been announced that there will be a UK version of Saturday Night Live.’
‘In the name of all that is holy, do not let this fucking abomination come to pass. Saturday Night Live is and always has been the most tragically fucking unfunny show on American television and the UK version would be ten times fucking worse.
‘Our version will be staffed by the usual bunch of tired fucking chortlers still thinking of jokes about Jeremy Corbyn and who still call Boris Johnson “Boris”. Almighty God, I beseech you, nip this vomited-up dog’s-breakfast-in-waiting in the bud, right fucking now!
‘Everyone involved in this project must be taken out by thunderbolts, drowned or turned to salt. Go biblical on their asses, God!’
The thunderous applause which greeted my exhortation still ringing in my ears, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that JK Rowling has attacked asexuals on International Asexuality Day, tweeting: ‘Happy International Fake Oppression Day to everyone who wants complete strangers to know they don’t fancy a shag.’
Fuck a dead chicken in the middle of the fucking barnyard! So at last someone’s had the courage to stand up to the asexuals, a group who’ve had it far too fucking easy for far too long. Make them have sex, that’s what I say! Send round the Sex Police and make them fuck! Christ’s fucking codpiece, Rowling, you could be using your billions to improve things, but you prefer to spend all day attacking anyone who doesn’t conform to your super-orthodox view of human sexuality! Asexualism is the fucking definition of minding your own business, why don’t you fucking mind yours?
British landlords have complained at increasingly ‘unfair’ laws affecting those who rent out properties. Speaking in the i newspaper, one Amu Verna, who owns and rents out five properties, said that reforms had made her ‘hesitant’ and she was considering relocating to the EU.
Aw, poor, poor you! Trying to make an honest living sitting on your arse all day exploiting the misery of others in an ever-worsening housing crisis and they’re trying to trim your profit margins! Thanks God you can escape to a sunny bit of the EU, unlike the rest of us who have to stay on this Atlantic rathole handing over half our fucking earnings to parasites like you! It’s not like you need six properties. Are there six of you? I fucking hope not, because that’s a fuck of a lot of self-entitled moaning!
The first Universal theme park in Europe will be built in the UK, the government has promised. It is planned for the site of a former brickworks near Bedford and could create an estimated 28,000 jobs before opening in 2031.
Jesus fucking H, the excitement over this! All those brilliant jobs! Who doesn’t want a career reminding twats not to fall out of a rollercoaster? A former brickworks, eh? There’s a lot of our problems right there – it probably shut down when they stopped building houses and the economy moved over to insane property prices and shit jobs. I guess it’s good for the local area, but there’s not much ‘dignity of work’ when you’re sweating like a pig inside a Minions suit with gangs of little bastards trying to trip you up so you’re stuck like a fucking turtle!
Finally, foreign minister David Lammy has upbraided the Israeli state for deporting two British MPs, Yuan Yang and Abtisam Mohamed. ‘It is unacceptable, counterproductive, and deeply concerning that two British MPs on a parliamentary delegation to Israel have been detained and refused entry by the Israeli authorities,’ he said.
Oh, so now you fucking stand up and say something? Now you work up a bit of fucking anger? Kids shot in the head, medics fucking executed, hospitals bombed, Gaza razed to the ground, a genocide carried out in plain sight and you keep fucking schtum, but now that two of your colleagues have been treated with effrontery it’s time to speak out? I bet the Israelis are quaking in their fucking boots! Yep, a bunch of off-the-scale extremists with a penchant for cold-blooded war crimes will definitely be doing some soul searching when you tell them it’s ‘deeply concerning’! Fuck’s sake!
