Aries, March 21st–April 19th
It’s good that the Doctor has a closer relationship with his companions these days. It used to be: ‘Okay, we’ve spent several years together mostly in one room and saved each other’s lives countless times. F**k off then.’
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Don’t forget to say ‘Happy 8th birthday!’ to the jar of capers in your fridge.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Anyone who says Mickey Rourke has ruined his good looks is clearly a weirdo who’d be fine having sex with a geriatric if they haven’t had plastic surgery. Tell them that.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
You failed to pick a valid Boots Meal Deal. You have brought shame upon yourself and your family. You will be cast out of society on pain of death, and your descendants will be hunted down like dogs. Or you can go and swap the Kettle Chips for some Quavers.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
It’s probably a myth that the orchestra played as the Titanic went down. It’s more likely they were having one last wank. You would.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Top tip: if you can’t be arsed to read your texts, just reply with a thumbs-up. It makes some sort of sense in most contexts. Although maybe check it’s not the death of a parent. Or cancer. Or someone threatening to break your legs.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Have a well-deserved break from the misery of being with a controlling partner by getting them to gaslight you into thinking you’re at Chessington World of Adventures.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21st
It’s puzzling how in near-death experiences people never remember what the toilets were like. They won’t shut up about it normally.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Travel insurance is such as con. You’re hardly in much danger spending two weeks getting shitfaced in the British theme pub next to the hotel.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
It’s weird how in movies bullets know to kill minor characters instantly but give major characters enough time for a speech and close-up. If the bullets got it wrong James Bond films would go on for 15 hours with all those henchmen telling you how they did their best.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Shazam is brilliant. If it wasn’t for that app you’d still be trying to identify that song that goes ‘You’re my wonderwall’.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
We hate to break it to you, ladies, but guys don’t really like those big arses a lot of you are trying to get. Apart from Sir Mix-a-Lot, obviously.
