ASK any man with swollen nuts and a stagnant love life hoping nobody sees him in Ann Summers: spending unaffordable amounts on risqué lingerie is a sure route to a shag.
But is it worth blowing what realistically is a month’s beer money on a few co-ordinated scraps of lace? This is the fantasy versus what will actually happen:
She’ll look like a supermodel
Your partner has a body that’s lived a life: a life of comfy desk chairs and family-size bars of Dairy Milk. A good life. But not a life compatible with mesh panties which make her buttocks look like netted salami.
The sexy elastic is digging in to create a four-buttcheek effect and the overall effect is less Victoria’s Secret and more Victoria’s Oversharing After Too Much Wine. The gentleman will be enthusiastic to get her out of it not because he finds her irresistible but because he’s trying not to get this image wedged in his head.
It’ll transform us into superior lovers
What’s lacking in your lovemaking cannot be bought in shops. Experience, passion and a shared understanding can’t be substituted for whispering ‘careful, you’ll rip it’ or ‘don’t ejaculate there, it’s hand-wash only’. And the items will be worn for mere minutes before he’s wedging his dick in as usual. The key difference being he won’t last as long.
I’ll get my money’s worth
Nice dream, but the demi-cup bra will soon be paired with industrial-strength period pants, while the lace knickers go unworn because she can’t risk an unexpected sneeze in anything that delicate. The only item that pays for itself it the corset with the clasps so fiddly neither of you can get it off for six hyperventilating hours.
She’ll seem as classy as a French courtesan
Effortless Gallic chic, as represented by your new chemise de nuit transparente, is not for those with a much-regretted teenage dolphin tattoo on their clavicle. That transforms the look from sultry to déchets de caravane, or trailer trash.
In fact, what she sees in the mirror is not a a concubine of Louis XVI but a perimenopausal panic-shopper who googled ‘how to reignite an eight-year relationship’ and leapt into the abyss without thinking things through. Which also describes the sex you’ll have.
