Aries, March 21st–April 19th

How different musical history would be if Elton John had written his hits with Bernie Clifton. Mick Jagger with Keith Harris. Roger Daltrey with Nookie Bear.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

There are other guests at The White Lotus beyond the main characters. So are they also barely disguised caricatures satirising the childishness of the sickeningly wealthy, or just holidaymakers having a lovely time?

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

God can’t be a man, because there isn’t a constellation that exactly resembles a cock and balls.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

“Now I don’t want to call out anyone in particular, but I think we can agree the atmosphere of the office has gotten a little bit too spooky.”

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Of course Penelope Keith didn’t kill JFK. It was Felicity Kendal, using only charm and a blow dart.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Jane Austen’s books should all have been in the Pride & Prejudice, Sense & Sensibility format to build a brand. Emma & Emmenthal. Pessaries & Persuasion.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Have you seen the speed of the EastEnders credits now? It’s like having vertigo.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

“I’m just saying that calling ourselves ‘The Stepford Knives’ destroyed any real hope we had of respect from other gangs. I don’t care that it’s a ‘reference to Ira Levin’s fabulously cutting satire’, Marcus.”

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

‘The Looove Shack is a liddle ol’ shed where people f**k each otherrr, yeah!’ ‘I have notes on the second half.’

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

My hairdresser left his family business to set up his own rival salon, named Barber Black Sheep.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

A pegasus and a unicorn could mate and birth a pegacorn. This has never happened in fantasy novels because the name is not bollocks enough.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

“I don’t hate women. Why, just last week I had a Bloody Mary.”