The Archbishop of Canterbury on… JFK, Penelope Keith and Russell Brand's eternal grift

21st March 2025

WAKING with a hangover whose tremors cause several slate tiles to come loose from the palace roof, luckily only causing minor head injuries below, I take a sip of water and look back on the week’s events.

I have been concerned for a while that the broad church of the C of E is perhaps a little too broad. There are those who are God-fearing, abstemious, non-violent, and others, such as myself, who are atheist, alcoholic and violent. Thus I felt it was time to promote a oneness of purpose across the UK.

I therefore proposed a mission criss-crossing the nation to promote this worthy endeavour. I titled it the Church Unity Nationwide Tour and persuaded two of the most eminent men in the country – Prince Charles and prime minister Sir Keir Starmer – to help promote the initiative, posing with me in baseball caps bearing the initiative’s acronym.

There were commentators who believed it was harmful in some way that our King and PM were photographed grinning obliviously in headwear sporting the letters ‘CUNT’ but the images went viral. They clearly struck a chord, and my initiative has been given the most tremendous boost.

Duly satisfied, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Labour, according to their leadership via Twitter, are now not, as had originally been intended, the party of workers but ‘the party of work’.

Fuck me with a dead rat on a stick, I can fucking see what you’ve done there and it has piss and shit all to do with standing up for workers! You just want everyone to get out of their fucking wheelchairs, snap out of their mental health issues and get pushing at the fucking wheels of industry for your business mates! Fuck work, and stop telling us it’s fucking great! I only went into the church because you only have work an hour a week! Get your fucking AI to do the work instead of making bollocks pictures! That’s why we invented fucking robots in the first place!

Thomas Tuchel has taken charge of the England team, playing this week in the Nations League. Among his selections for the squad is 36-year-old Jordan Henderson, currently playing for Ajax.

Jesus fucking H man, I know it’s only fucking Albania and Latvia and you could probably put me in fucking goal, but fucking hell, Jordan Henderson? Why not fucking Danny Murphy? Michael Owen? Frank fucking Lampard? This isn’t one of those fucking Robbie Williams celebrity games, it’s an actual fucking competition! I hope you’re not going to be yet another in a long line of wastes of managerial spaces! Fuck!

Bill and Hillary Clinton, along with Barack and Michelle Obama have issued a joint statement condemning Donald Trump for ‘blatant racism, running roughshod through the norms of civil society and international diplomacy, hiring heads of department whose incompetency borders on the grotesque and wishing to impose fascist dictatorship on the United States of America.’

Yeah, except they fucking haven’t, have they? In the world’s fucking hour of need, they’ve sat on their fucking hands and generally shared the same total spinelessness and aversion to fucking resistance as the rest of the shower of piss that is the Democratic Party! What are you afraid of, he’ll go onto Twitter and call you unfunny names? When they go low, we go missing, is that it now? Great strategy, Dems! Twats!

Finally, Russell Brand has stupidly shared a tweet of a supposed ‘JFK file’ which on closer inspection was a humorous fake identifying the shooter as Penelope Keith, star of the sitcom The Good Life.

Yep, Penelope Keith killed Kennedy, then Felicity Kendal solved the case on fucking Rosemary & Thyme! Okay, Margo didn’t do it, hahaha, but you fucking know what? Your fucking grift, whatever the hell it is these days, fucking never stops, does it, Russell? Gallons of piss will be extracted from you for this, but it won’t stopping you popping back up with your conspiracy bollocks and oh-so-convincing Christianity! Your fucking semi-simian features and vacuously maniacal fucking stare won’t ever leave our screens.You are the Dark Lord of rampant fucking wanksocks! At least Sauron didn’t try to sell us fucking tin foil hatter 5G necklaces!

A white home counties roadman has a beef wiv a bruv dat's met hactual Jamaican roadmen

20th March 2025

FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, goes hardcore roadman after being ridiculed by someone who has met the real thing.

FAM! Early dis week a bruv bangs hinto Active J on him’s way to da hastroturf at break wiv mandem crew, an’ starts dissin’ man habout bein’ a fake roadman. You wot, bruv?

Active J sed him ‘ad better hexplain wastemanself hyper-quick, or we is in a deep beef ting, innit.

Da bruv woz hultra-posh, an’ him woz weird coz him woz learnin’ all da school stuff wiv da books, innit. Bruv woz lookin’ down on Active J an’ mandem crew, sayin’ him’s fam is from da island of Jam-maker, or summink, an’ dat is where da real roadmans is from.

Him’s sed da Jam-maker bruvs are da hauthentic roadmans, coz dem’s speak creole patois, dat’s where da hinglish roadman’s language and dialect derives from, innit. Wot? Him’s sed da proper Jam-maker roadman crews don’t hang on da hastroturf, vapin’ an’ doin’ TikToks, dem is bare hard badmen dat goes by dem’s brand muggle names.

Dat got man finkin’, coz Active J is da king of da hastroturf roadmen an’ gyaldem, den maybe Active J should try to be a hauthentic nang roadman, like da posh boy sed. Man trawled da hinternet lookin’ for hauthentic Jam-maker drip an’ scored bigtime.

So yesterday man flexed swag on da hastroturf hafter school swaggin’ a non-brand top, shorts, cap an’ sliders wiv da matchin’ Jam-maker flag on heveryfink. An’ man sed for him’s crew to now call man Badman Josh. Mandem crew woz shook, den dem’s started wiv da jokes an’ doin’ dissin’ TikToks. Badman Josh woz turbo-vexed, fam.

Da next day Miss Jackson heard habout heveryfink. Miss Jackson is hultra-peng an’ her told Badman Josh dat her fam woz from da Jam-maker island too, innit. An’ her sed Badman Josh shouldn’t try an’ be like a real Jam-maker roadman. Badman Josh should just be himself, innit, coz man is a privileged white boy wiv a massive detached crib. So man sed fank you, Miss, dat means so much.

So when man next sees da posh bruv hagain, man sed him’s doesn’t need to be a hauthentic Jam-maker roadman, Active J is keepin’ it real on da streets of him’s own country hestate.

An’ when Active J is a world-famous gangsta rapper him will wear hauthentic drip when bustin’ tunes in Jam-maker. An’ it’s too cold to be wivout a puffer jacket an’ trainers in Hingland. Da posh bruv woz wivout words, fam.

So Active J is just back from TK Maxx, swaggin’ head-to-toe in boxfresh drip, sharp as a razor, fam. An’ man is headin’ for da hastroturf wiv packs of Monster an’ hassorted fruity vapes for mandem crew. Active J is back, fam. Gassed! Gassed! Gassed!