The Archbishop of Canterbury on… is whining pathetically about woke the new punk? No

4th April 2025

WAKING up with a hangover that causes traffic lights to malfunction throughout Westminster with its electromagnetic intensity, I reflect on a new ecclesiastical initiative I trialled this week.

Taking its cue from the ‘tough love’ tradition of muscular Christianity, it is known as ‘slap therapy’. For my first session, I invited representatives of the percentage of the electorate planning to vote Reform in the next election, who have enabled them to pull into a four-point lead over Labour in the polls.

I ask the first parishioner to step forward. I bless him with the sign of the cross then address him as follows.

‘Listen you (slap) thick, gullible, meatheaded cunt. (Slap.) I know that lying fucker Starmer (slap) is about as useful (slap) as a rocking horse at the fucking Grand National (slap, slap) but if you fucking well think that unctuous, relentlessly grifting, toad-faced twat Farage is gonna do anything (slap) but pick your fucking pockets then go talk to the fucking electorate of Clacton (slap, slap, slap) where he’s spent about as much time (slap) since the fucking election as he has on fucking Mars! (Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap).’

Although bleeding heavily around the nose, mouth and ears, the fellow seems grateful for my pastoral care, and as he shambles away a queue of waiting parishioners step up one by one to receive similar treatment.

A great success, I feel. And so I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Donald Trump has introduced swingeing tariffs on a large number of countries, though Russia is exempted.

Fuck me with my own severed penis, as a fucking planet we have to hang our fucking heads in shame that we let a diapered, tangerine twat like Trump fuck up the world so royally! A cunt who’s been declared bankrupt five times, including for a fucking casino, is at the helm of the world’s economy? And we just let him run riot, like the fucking Penguin in Gotham City in a 1960s Batman cartoon? Gives the lie to the Deep State theory, doesn’t it? This is the fucking Shallow State, with the world’s worst, thickest, most vindictive, know-nothing arsehole roosting on top of it, shitting incontinently!

John Lydon, former lead singer of The Sex Pistols, has slammed the reformed version touring with a different vocalist, decrying them as a ‘woke’ version of the group.

Oh, for cunting fuck’s sake, just fuck right off up your LA hole, you wretched Krusty The Clown parody of whatever the fuck you once were. Sneering the word ‘woke’ isn’t the new punk rock, despite what you and similarly beached fuckheads like Julie Burchill think. Bleating about woke is the last, tired, desperate refuge of the ageing, irrelevant, attention-seeking, attention-undeserving bar room fucking bore! I mean, I’d rather eat my big toes than see the fucking ‘Sex Pistols’ live in 2025 but even fucking so!

R&B star Chris Brown will perform at White Hart Lane, home to Tottenham Hotspur, as part of his Breezy Bowl XX stadium tour this summer. Brown has a history of allegations of sexual violence and is guilty of assaulting former girlfriend Rihanna.

Jesus shat the fucking bed, I know things are fucking desperate at Spurs right now but you have to resort to giving houseroom to a serially dreadful streak of fuck like Chris Brown? What’s next? Signing fucking Andrew Tate as manager? Trafficking the women’s team? I mean, how little of a shit do you fuckfaced fuckers give?

Finally, despite Elon Musk spending $20 million in the Wisconsin Supreme Court election, his preferred candidate Brad Schimel lost by a significant margin to the liberal Susan Crawford.

Hahahaha, you could be a fucking trillionaire but cut you open like a fucking stick of rock and the word ‘LOSER’ would run all the way through! I bet you thought wearing that fucking cheese hat would be some sort of clincher, didn’t you? Turns out the cheese was an externalisation of your fucking brain! You are a no-dick, no-account, no-friends LOSER and Teslas are going the same way as that fucking car Homer Simpson designed! Some day soon, by public petition, you’ll be on your way to Mars, not in one of your rockets because they don’t work, but fired out of a cannon, reaching 90 feet before arcing back down and getting pulped against a fucking tree! Mission fucking accomplished!

Don't knock the Great Depression. Back then, men were men

3rd April 2025

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who thinks we should declare Birmingham a landfill and be done with it

‘A NEW Great Depression may loom,’ says the BBC. ‘We could be going back to the 1930s,’ warns ITV. Am I the only one cheering and punching the air?

‘They called it great for a reason,’ I howl at the television and its parade of castrated, bleating doomsayers. ‘We needed it. It gave us courage to start a revitalising war.’

But even though I am a licence-payer of 30 years standing, these so-called economists – if they knew what they were talking about they’d be billionaires running hedge funds, not whoring themselves for £45 soundbites on lunchtime news – didn’t listen.

For too long we’ve swallowed the same narrative about the Great Depression. It was terrible. Nobody had jobs. Families queued for bread. The Jarrow March came to London to claim the higher benefits available in the capital. Work camps, etcetera.

But when I look back at those stuttering black-and-white newsreels of starving families, I see a sincerity we’re sadly short of today. Proud men in rags, desperate to work. They didn’t care if they were down mines, strangling voles or losing limbs in corn threshers.

Contrast that to today’s WFH-WTF young men, who won’t even pop over to Ukraine to fly a few drones. To today’s girls demanding an OnlyFans account for their 16th birthdays. To our children, murdering then starring in inconclusive Netflix dramas about it.

That Depression – brought to us by benefits-cutting Labour leader Ramsay MacDonald, so we’ve got our man in place – gave us steel. It made us so belligerent we picked a fight with Hitler, who looking back was a poor unfortunate in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So to those bemoaning market-crashing tariffs just because they don’t like their author, I say embrace the possibilities of penury. See the best in beggary. From the depths of our national deprivation, we will rise again.

I should get through okay. I’m mortgage-free and I’ve got £200k in Bitcoin.