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A confused millennial tries to… survive his fourth once-in-a-lifetime financial shitstorm

By Josh Gardner, who wisely put his savings in the Hawk Tuah memecoin

ANOTHER day, another L for the global economy. And not even Donald Trump can aura farm his way out of this one.

Yes, thanks to retaliatory tariffs, the world is hurtling towards the fourth once-in-a-lifetime financial downturn in my youthful existence. And just like me, it’s getting old.

You’d think I’d be downcast about eating yet another monetary shit sandwich, but honestly I don’t know any different. Prosperous boom times are as vintage as paying by cheque or dial up internet. Barely being able to afford food has been in for decades.

Scary graphs of the stock market in freefall can’t depress me. Just as viral TikToks fail to spark a jolt of dopamine in my brainrotted neurons and online porn has destroyed my sex drive, I’ve OD’d on all of them.

So while Gen Z tries to hustle their way out of the oncoming recession, I’ll sit back and cry laughing emoji. Not because I’m amused – that’s not what it’s for – but because I know Hinge Premium and selling my clothes on Vinted is as good as standards of living get.

I’m cool with it. The credit crunch, austerity, the Brexit slump and the lockdown fallout have prepared me perfectly for Trump’s tariffs. You can’t worry about losing everything when you don’t have anything to begin with! Checkmate, economy!

And, as a millennial, I’m always looking for a new way to be a victim. Giving myself a new, progressive-sounding identity like ‘involuntarily insolvent’ or ‘ethically unable to get a round in’ will be a reward in itself. I could even get a flag and a pride parade.

My financial apocalypse plan is sorted. I’ll emotionlessly cruise along making it all about me until the next catastrophe occurs. Sooner or later that’s got to work.

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Your astrological week ahead for April 12th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

It’s good that the Doctor has a closer relationship with his companions these days. It used to be: ‘Okay, we’ve spent several years together mostly in one room and saved each other’s lives countless times. F**k off then.’

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Don’t forget to say ‘Happy 8th birthday!’ to the jar of capers in your fridge. 

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Anyone who says Mickey Rourke has ruined his good looks is clearly a weirdo who’d be fine having sex with a geriatric if they haven’t had plastic surgery. Tell them that.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You failed to pick a valid Boots Meal Deal. You have brought shame upon yourself and your family. You will be cast out of society on pain of death, and your descendants will be hunted down like dogs. Or you can go and swap the Kettle Chips for some Quavers. 

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

It’s probably a myth that the orchestra played as the Titanic went down. It’s more likely they were having one last wank. You would.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Top tip: if you can’t be arsed to read your texts, just reply with a thumbs-up. It makes some sort of sense in most contexts. Although maybe check it’s not the death of a parent. Or cancer. Or someone threatening to break your legs.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Have a well-deserved break from the misery of being with a controlling  partner by getting them to gaslight you into thinking you’re at Chessington World of Adventures.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21st

It’s puzzling how in near-death experiences people never remember what the toilets were like. They won’t shut up about it normally.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Travel insurance is such as con. You’re hardly in much danger spending two weeks getting shitfaced in the British theme pub next to the hotel.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

It’s weird how in movies bullets know to kill minor characters instantly but give major characters enough time for a speech and close-up. If the bullets got it wrong James Bond films would go on for 15 hours with all those henchmen telling you how they did their best.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Shazam is brilliant. If it wasn’t for that app you’d still be trying to identify that song that goes ‘You’re my wonderwall’.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

We hate to break it to you, ladies, but guys don’t really like those big arses a lot of you are trying to get. Apart from Sir Mix-a-Lot, obviously.

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