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Trump's dickometer higher than Musk's twatcounter for today

PRESIDENT Trump has edged higher on his dickometer than Elon Musk has reached on his twatcounter, for the morning at least. 

The two measurement tools are kept side by side in the Oval Office and updated hourly by acolytes of the two keen to see which of their employers has been the bigger bellend in the last 24 hours.

An insider said: “Cancelling all arms to Ukraine out of spite? That’s Donny way ahead!

“It’s a numbers game with those two. The president takes the weekend off to play golf while Elon just keeps tweeting all through the night, edging his meter up incrementally by making sure the messages of obscure Serbian neo-Nazis are heard.

“He’ll begin the day ahead, but then American’s favourite president comes in with the big guns like a trade war against a blameless neighbour and bam, he’s right back in front.

“We’re kind of split on the setting up of a US cryptocurrency reserve – Trump did it and it’s without doubt a total dick move that will cost US taxpayers billions, but it was surely Elon’s idea so we’ve split that one equally. It has to be a fair fight.

“Personally I’ve got $600 on Elon overhauling Trump by the fourth of July. He’ll need to pull out some real dick moves, but my gut tells me that when the going gets tough, the twats get going.”

Lazy bastard ordering pancakes on Deliveroo

A MAN who cannot summon the basic effort to mix and fry batter has ordered six pancakes via Deliveroo, it has emerged.

Pampered urbanite Tom Booker, who works from home in a job where he clicks on a mouse, was so overwhelmed by the thought of sieving flour, cracking eggs and whisking them all together he turned to his phone instead.

He said: “Wouldn’t want to miss pancake day, but it’s a lot of effort isn’t it? You’re stood at the hob for minutes at a time.

“But I’ve not got enough butter, the maple syrup in the cupboard’s pretty old and then there’s the whole ballache of frying and the athletic ordeal of flipping the bastard things. My girlfriend used to do it before she left me.

“No, it’s easier to honour Jesus doing his whole wilderness mushroom trip bit by jabbing my phone a few times and getting a cyclist on minimum wage to pop a stack in. They’ll be grateful for the work and I’m stimulating the economy.

“And after this I won’t order pancakes from Deliveroo for 40 days, to honour Lent. Or from Just Eat. Or Uber Eats.”

Deliveroo rider Jordan Gardner said: “They’ll be cold and flavourless by the time they reach you like everything I deliver. Bon appetit.”

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