MORE than 50 per cent of all adults will be obese by 2050, unless a visionary can engender a worldwide depression followed by global conflict.
A looming obesity crisis can only be narrowly averted by a leader prepared to do everything possible to stop it, from depriving the world of food to boosting their fitness with regular local wars.
A softly-spoken source who wished to remain anonymous said: “I’ve lost weight bigly. And I want to help the world do the same.
“I figure by imposing tariffs and encouraging war I can put the entire planet on a diet and exercise plan that will make it lean, hungry and ready for a tough second half to the century. They tell me it’s when climate change kicks in. I believe we can get there sooner.
“Look at those bread lines in the Great Depression. Not a fatty among them. Look at those GIs storming the beach at Normandy. Cheekbones to die for.
“So yes, there will be less to eat. Yes, you’ll be working longer hours in a more physical job. Thank me when you see the results.”
He added: “How did I lose weight? Ozempic. But you’ll much prefer it the other way.”
