'Not so clever now you can't defend yourself, are you Ukraine?'

UKRAINE is not as good at waging war now it is not allowed missiles or to know where the targets are, the US has mocked.

Following the withdrawal of military aid and intelligence, Ukrainian forces are no longer anywhere near as effective at defending the country’s people and infrastructure against an aggressor than previously, which will teach them.

A White House source said: “They think they’re so plucky, laying down their lives to defend their families and their homes. Well, this will wipe off those arrogant smirks.

“Not so good at stopping drone strikes to apartment buildings now, are you? Thought you were all that with your ‘Russia has only taken 20 per cent of our territory, we are bravely fighting for the future of our nation!’ when actually it was mainly us.

“We can all fight wars when someone else is doing all the hard work of providing weapons and giving us the enemy’s location. All Ukraine had to do was turn up on the front line, point and shoot. Easy.

“Real warriors can fight blindfolded with no weapons, and if you doubt that then President Trump has a ninja film he can show you. I’ve seen it. It’s extremely convincing.”

He added: “You know who’s had a real gap in satellite intelligence during this war, making the whole thing basically unfair bullying? Putin. Well, we’ll fix that.”

What I did while earning $60 million from Amazon and creating f**k all. By Phoebe Waller-Bridge

WONDERING what Phoebe Waller-Bridge was up to while earning $60 million from Amazon without producing a show? The Fleabag star reveals all.

Said ‘f**ked me up the arse’ a lot in writers’ rooms

Everyone lost their shit when I referred to bum sex in Fleabag, back in the days when I could actually be bothered to hammer out a script. So can you blame me for rehashing this old crowd-pleaser in every meeting I have, like for this Lara Croft series I’m supposedly working on? Sadly it’s not come to anything yet, but on this wage I don’t give a f**k.

Twiddled my thumbs

Writing involves a lot of downtime when you’re waiting for your muse to strike. And if you’re raking in $60 million with no pressure to produce anything, there’s no big rush for your muse to turn up. This might sound like just aimlessly sitting around eating biscuits, but remember I invented breaking the fourth wall and typed the words ‘hot priest’, so I deserve every cent.

Slummed it in an Indiana Jones film

There’s only so long you can earn eye-watering sums of money for doing absolutely nothing before you start to get bored. So I dragged myself out of bed and plonked myself in front of some film cameras. Acting might not be as becoming as the dignified craft of writing, but it got me out of the house and made me a nice little bit of extra spending money. And Indiana Jones fans loved Dial of Destiny!

Pissed about on the internet

Like anyone with vague goals and no real deadlines, I spent a lot of my time bouncing between YouTube and Instagram. At first I’d frantically minimise windows of cat videos and TikTok microwave recipes and fire up Final Draft if someone walked in on me, but after a while I started to brazenly leave them open. It’s not like Amazon can afford to make me redundant.

Pitied writers trying to break into the industry

Writing is one of the hardest professions to get into. You have to write dozens of really good pilots just to get your foot in the door, and even then the opportunities are precarious and the pay is often crap. I really felt  sorry for aspiring writers as I got paid a literal fortune to live their dream while not actually achieving anything. I was so sad I had to buy myself a solid gold patio set to cheer myself up.