There follows an official statement from the actress Demi Moore regarding the wanton and consistent reduction in size of her favourite confectionery. Ms. Moore will be making no further comment at this time.
I’VE held my tongue for too long. But I refuse to be silenced. It is time to speak my truth. And my truth is this: is it just me, or are KitKat Chunkys getting smaller?
The answer is an emphatic YES. And it doesn’t stop there. This conspiracy goes all the way to the top. I assume, I have no way of knowing. But that is why I’m using my considerable platform – and the publicity I’m getting from that yukky film where I get my tits out – to say enough is enough.
Ever since I broke into Hollywood, I’ve eaten chocolate by the truckload. Mars Bars, Bountys, Revels. I’ve never met a Curly Wurly I don’t like. That’s not clay in Ghost, it’s a bucket of melted Caramacs.
But now dark forces are at work. ‘Big Chocolate’ have been making our chocolate bars smaller for years. They set the prices and shrink the bars. They’re no better than a drug cartel, although I admit Freddos tend not to cause the same social problems as crack.
First, they came for our Snickers – and we said nothing. Then it was our Biscuit and Raisin Yorkies. Then those creeps put less Maltesers in a bag and thought we wouldn’t notice. But we did. Did that stop them?
No. They made the gaps in Toblerones bigger, and expected us to bend over and take it. Not literally, I’m not suggesting they’re sodomising us with triangular Swiss chocolate. Although, ironically, that was one of the few deleted scenes in The Substance.
Well today we take a stand. We’re onto you, white collar chocolate crooks. If you think we won’t be counting the number of M&Ms in each bag and entering the data into our ongoing Excel spreadsheet, you’re dead wrong.
Try and sneak a couple less segments into our Terry’s Chocolate Orange. See what happens. You’ll have a riot on your hands. We will tear America down in an orgy of violence not witnessed since the Battle of Gettysburg.
Do what you like with Twixes though – I’m not keen on the biscuity bits.
