WAKING up with a hangover almost, if not quite, the size of Rotterdam, I vomit in an elegant plume and reflect on my contribution to the betterment of mankind this week.
I feel that with the election of Mr Trump and the rise of the far-right and dubious billionaires, the world is in danger of losing its moral compass. I therefore devised, for immediate dissemination across the kingdom, a series of exhortations which can be reduced to easy-to-remember acronyms. They are as follows.
BFK – Be Fucking Kind
PYTYGT – Pay Your Taxes You Greedy Twats
GNFUSIUTU – God’s No Fucking Use So It’s Up To Us!
DBACTPATWBACBTY – Don’t Be A Cunt To People And They Won’t Be A Cunt Back To You!
MSHWHAGHWI: Men, Stop Harassing Women, Have A Good Hard Wank Instead!
FEMWTROEOABFCL – Fuck Elon Musk With The Ripped Off End Of A Broken Fucking Chair Leg!
It is my conviction that if humanity were to observe these tenets then peace and reason could be restored to their respective thrones.
Satisfied that I have done my bit, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that home secretary Yvette Cooper has blamed a rise in crime in certain areas on a lack of police.
Fuck a tethered goat, you think? So a bunch of ne’er-do-wells in hooped jerseys with bags marked ‘SWAG’ are running amok because there are no coppers to foil their capers? It’s definitely nothing to do with a rise in poverty leading to depressing stats like more thefts of Calpol so mothers can medicate their fucking kids? I wonder just what is the point of you chocolate fucking teapots going under the name of Labour if you don’t intend to do anything except ride around in ministerial cars! Still, you can always do a ‘clampdown’ on these criminal masterminds living it up with their stolen bread and formula milk!
Political activist Darren Grimes has posted a black and white photo of neighbourly white folk in bygone times on Twitter. ‘Back then, we didn’t have much. Life was hard, work was dangerous and times were tough. But my God at least we had each other – the country was united. In my lifetime that has been thoroughly lost,’ he opined. Grimes was born in 1993.
Fuck, man, you’re fucking 31! When was ‘back then’? Some distant historical year like 2012? You can bet he means ‘before the recent rise in immigration’. Because let’s face it, this is all about fucking immigration, isn’t it? Ah yes, 2012, when tousle-haired kids played with hoops in the back alleys while mother scrubbed the doorstep and father was returning cheerfully from a 14-hour shift at the mine, thirsty for a mug of tea and a supper of bread and dripping! I fucking remember it well! Get to fuck you rancid little twat!
In an article in the Jewish Chronicle, Melanie Phillips has argued: ‘If you support the Palestinian cause in any form, you’re facilitating Jew hate.’
What can we say, Mel? There’s the cannon, there’s the fucking sea, there’s the self-firing mechanism. You know what to do. Yes, it’s Phillips’ entire bullshit argument in a nutshell: any opinion except ‘Israel is right’ is antisemitic. To be honest it’s par for the fucking course for ‘Mad Mel’, the mystery is why she’s still employed by the BBC rather than wandering around precincts barking randomly at fucking strangers!
Finally, thanks to his travel ban being suspended, Andrew Tate has arrived in Florida from Romania, where he faces trial on charges of rape, sex with a minor, people trafficking and money laundering.
Yeah, and he’ll be returning to Romania for the trial, like the good little boy he is, no doubt about that! It’s obvious which orange monstrosity is connected to this, with his habit of liberating right-wing nutcases and elevating the world’s fucking Batman villains! Maybe Tate can be secretary of state for women’s affairs? Seriously, Donald, I know your plan is to visit evil on the world because you were once roasted by Obama, but could you be a bit more fucking subtle about it? Less like a comic book villain I used to read about when I was fucking eight years old? The Emperor from Star Wars, with his black robe, hideously disfigured face and penchant for evil cackling, is more fucking nuanced!
