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Your astrological week ahead for February 22nd, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Hard to imagine now, but in 1957 Peggy-Sue was the sexiest name. Just a seductive tempting slutty whore of a name.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

The police caught the killer after they gathered the townspeople and said he was prone to overreact at the slightest provocation and had stupid hair.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Libido, or libidon’t. There is no try.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Always odd, the obsession medieval artists had with creating memento mori. Was an infant mortality rate of 30 per cent insufficient to remind them of death?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

In contrast, it’s fairly easy to get into the Honda Jazz.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Best case scenario, you come across a powerful amulet that makes you rich and happy. Worst case, those kinds of amulets don’t exist.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

‘A new property development of 85 luxury homes, Birnam Woods is coming here to Dusinane in 2025!’ reads Macbeth, oblivious.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

“I like my women how I like my punishments – cruel and unusual.”

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You’ve been craving a bit of that sweet white powder. Icing sugar, of course! To cut the cocaine with!

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Isn’t it technically the Third Coming we’re waiting for, since he came back once already?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

“Oh Jesus, so you mean that thing actually is…?” “Yes. A real humdinger. But what killed it?”

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th 

The universal safeword is ‘Yabba-dabba-doo’. Shout once and all sexual activity automatically stops.

A confused millennial tries to… join the populist Trump revolution

By Josh Gardner, who’s got MAGA FOMO

LEFT-wing social justice politics is so Biden. Edgelord is the new woke. Right-wing extremism is blowing up in Europe and America. I had to get involved. 

For noobs, it used to be what cheugy boomers fought against in a war that was apparently the best one for offering the troops real moral choices. But now it’s back like mullets and boot-cuts and it’s great-grandad’s turn to be on the wrong side of history.

After decades of geopolitical harmony which really hurt the lib cause by being boring, social media’s brought a new right together under our inspirational leader, Kanye West. Or Elon Musk. Or that chainsaw Argentinian with Planet of the Apes hair.

I began my journey to the dark side of the MAGA with Joe Rogan. He knows loads about speaking into a microphone and how aliens built the pyramids, and soon so did the bus I was blasting it to.

Until this old 40something guy in a Nirvana T-shirt – embarrassing, they’re our thing – wagged his finger. ‘Grifter bollocks,’ he said. ‘Fascist propaganda. Only ends one way.’

I was stunned. I knew my parents were fascists because they enforced phone-free mealtimes. But I never imagined the term applied to power-mad authoritarians pursuing an ultranationalist ideology. Every day’s a school day. And a mental health day.

I shimmered with an almost post-nut clarity. After that whenever I watched clips of Trump it was like I was watching the Red Hulk tearing apart the, well, spoilers.

Even the aggressively chanting supporters at his rallies were off-putting. I remembered he’s a criminal, was president before and was crap at it, and he’s deliberately bred an eight-foot child.

Then I rewatched Musk ‘doing the Nazi’ as the group chat calls it, and wondered if the old didn’t have this one single valid point. Also, Joe Rogan goes on for hours and is thick as shit.

So, having rewokenified myself, I’m going to take action as I do against the climate crisis and ignore it. They can’t make you join the Nazis, can they? Loads of Germans sat it out happily.

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