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Celebrity

I told him my ballroom is a mile high just to see his face, says King

THE King has admitted claiming to own a domed ballroom a mile high in conversation with Donald Trump to see his crestfallen reaction.

Six body-positive icons who dropped that shit once Ozempic came along

FAT, proud and a role model for those who through no fault of their own are larger? Until an injection came alone and now you’re inspiringly thin instead?

Madonna or Sabrina Carpenter: Which is the age-appropriate choice for you?

DID you see Madonna onstage with Sabrina Carpenter at Coachella and eruditely muse that while one is young, the other is old? Decide which you should fancy with this guide.

We'd do a much better tour than Meghan and Harry if we could be arsed. By Prince William

CALL that an Australia tour? Pathetic and desperate. Kate and I would do a far superior tour if we could be bothered to get off our arses.

Joanne Whalley, Susanna Hoffs and other women who could end your 30-year marriage tomorrow

YOU never forget your first love, especially if she’s on TV singing Eternal Flame because she's the lead singer of The Bangles. Here are more old crushes you'd get a divorce for.

Wireless Festival offers refunds of similar Nazi value

Freddie Mercury, Elton John and other people your dad still thinks were straight

DESPITE decades of documentaries, costumes and gay lovers, here are the people your dad is convinced were just a bit flamboyant.

Carol Kirkwood: 'From now on, weather won't affect me'

RETIRING BBC presenter Carol Kirkwood has announced that after 28 years of weather, she and it are no longer involved in any way.

Man has very wholesome wank over Princess of Wales

A MAN has engaged in a thoroughly virtuous masturbatory session over the Princess of Wales.

Bland, vacuous, nothing to say and no interest in music: how can the BBC possibly replace Scott Mills?

SCOTT Mills has been fired from the Radio 2 breakfast show, leaving a yawning beige gap of vapidity. Who could possibly replace him?