Celebrity

THE Duchess of Sussex has announced she has been offered a major role in the soap opera EastEnders.

THE Duke of Sussex is going to try and waltz back into the Royal family by pretending the last six years did not happen.

PRINCE Harry has informed Britain that only bathing in its utter loathing for them keeps him and his wife young.

13-YEAR-OLDS are learning that Lemmy, widely known as St Kilmister of Motörhead, was not canonised by any major church and their fathers were lying.

WOULD you like to impress friends, strangers and edit Radio 4’s Today by telling the same lies every other fantasist does? Take my accredited course in how.

SINGER and actress Ariana Grande has announced the next stage of her stardom journey will be a step back from public life, livestreamed to her 363 million Instagram followers.

THE world is shocked by revelations that Jared Leto has been accused of serial abuse, stressing they could never have suspected the Joker actor was a freaky creep.

WAKING up with a hangover so raging it has been declared a national emergency, I quaff several gallons of water to control the unfolding crisis.