Celebrity

NIGEL Farage should be glad of my support. I’m practically a household name, I have a strong work ethic, and I'm not out of touch with young people, many of whom I have f**ked.

I'VE decided to leave the lawless criminal dystopia that is Britain in 2025 and move to Dubai, a location I chose solely on the basis of international crime statistics.

THE Queen has caught the UK unawares with her full-throated support of posh people with horses and houses all joyously committing adultery.

THE win of Angry Ginge on I’m A Celebrity raises a disturbing question. Are Gen Z no longer committing to long-held prejudice about the gingers?

YOU’RE glad Kelly Brook is back on telly, but you can’t help thinking that meeting her would be awkward given your sordid history of wanking over her in the 90s. Much like these celebs.

OLIVER Reed. Francis Bacon. Pete Doherty. And there is one last rebel keeping up the great British tradition of wild drunken hellraising. Me.

CELEBRITIES who've lost a lot of weight can freak you out, and surely the public should be consulted first? We have serious reservations about former fatties like these…