Celebrity

THE role of American president is a bastion of modern democracy, requiring a rational mind, a trustworthy demeanour and, above all, being a completely sane, non-weird sort of person.

SADLY my plans to build a fully-functional Death Star on my estate in Somerset have run into objections. Here is my advice on dealing with idiotic planning regulations and whinging locals.

JEREMY Clarkson has admitted disquiet at his discovery, aged 64, that consequences exist and even worse apply to him.

BORN-AGAIN Christian Russell brand is selling a bullshit amulet that blocks wifi while blithering on about his newfound faith. How the Lord must abhor him.

OUR darling Princess Catherine delights in making classy allusions to her late mother-in-law, the People’s Princess. All these behaviours are straight from Diana’s playbook.

HOW did Miranda Hart - a woman who looks nothing like Margot Robbie or Kate Middleton - manage to snare a man? Was foul play involved? The Mail attempts to unravel the mystery.

YOU only notice how pleasant it is to be without them when their ubiquity stops and we’re relieved from their relentless presence. These celebrities should carry on being quiet.

HOLLY Willoughby, long overdue a turn as a national hate figure, is about to get her moment. We will happily believe she did all these.

JESUS Christ had a larger-than-average penis and insisted on shoehorning this fact into conversation, research into the Turin Shroud has proved.