Celebrity

CELEBRITIES believe themselves to be almost like normal people for making these unremarkable statements, and believe that to be an achievement.

ARE you, like King Charles, unable to stop working 16-hour days, not even taking weekends off?

WHILE the wife’s away, I have absolutely no idea how to feed the children. No matter how many times I say ‘Mummy will be back soon’ the little beasts keep demanding food.

ALL members of the Royal Family will now disclose full details of their genital conditions whether the public wish to know or not.

ED Balls has made the news for accidentally kicking Susanna Reid in the head. But which annoying TV stars genuinely deserve it?

VIOLENCE can never be condoned, even if it’s the best thing ever to have happened on Dancing on Ice. These incidents are also excellent.

ARE you a man who wishes your partner liked and fancied you more? Simply become a creepy carbon copy of Oppenheimer star Cillian Murphy. Here’s what you need to do.

AT this point, to assert that Danny Dyer is heterosexual is not just ignorant. It is an act of wilful blindness to the myriad clues he has left his fans.

ARE you lucky enough to have a date with former Man-City-before-they-were-good player Joey Barton? These conversational pearls will slip from his lips.

SO now people are claiming I took part in one of Jeffrey Epstein’s sex orgies. But sometimes the situation is not as clear-cut as you might think. Let me explain.