Celebrity

THE Princess of Wales has produced a wonderful fabric conditioner advertisement to reassure everyone she is well. Royals of the past should have done the same.

GILLIAN Anderson has just edited a collection of women’s sexual fantasies, Want, which is probably rather different to what her fans are used to. Here Tom Logan, 46, suggests some improvements. 

GUFFAWING at morons on The Jeremy Kyle Show was your morning routine for years, though it was as morally defensible as bear-baiting. Here’s how to show your penitence.

OASIS have returned, to the confusion of children who cannot understand why shouted tunes with nonsense lyrics have eclipsed Taylor Swift. Here’s how to explain.

MY pick-up techniques are foolproof, but it’s hard to meet women when you’re under house arrest. Undeterred, here are seven inanimate objects I’ve shagged recently.

THE breakup of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Anniston has proven that time is a flat circle. It’s one of many things doomed to repeat itself in 19 years’ time: 

IS that egg on your face, critics? Because you thought Nadine Dorries was finished, but now I’m back with a bold new career of defending a murderer convicted by two juries!

MOLLY-MAE and Tommy Fury have split to live separate lives earning high incomes for seemingly nothing. What these couples do all day is similarly opaque.