AT first, I was elated. Lineker is almost gone, with his replacements confirmed this week. But then a thought struck me – what if I am the Joker, and Gary Lineker is Batman?
I realised that much as the Joker devotes his life to destroying Batman, I too have spent a frankly unhealthy amount of time attacking immigrant-loving Remoaner Lineker. Although rather than exposing him to a fatal hallucinogenic neurotoxin, I tend to just call him a bastard on Twitter.
With rising panic, I realised we’re two sides of the same coin, and there would soon be a large, Lineker-shaped hole in my life. I decided the solution was to find another leftie traitor to hate.
It turns out it’s not easy finding an arch-nemesis. Greta Thunberg? A bit passé – I’ve been calling her an ugly cow since she was 15. Rachel Reeves? All the memes about her lying on her CV have been done. Finally I settled on gobby child socialist Owen Jones.
I started tweeting about how he hates Jews, but Jones just wasn’t doing it for me. He hasn’t got Lineker’s smug, chipmunk face and annoying ‘cool older guy’ beard. Also he’s a poof, so there’s no sexual jealousy from imagining him pawing lovely Danielle Bux with his disgusting crisp-crumb-covered fingers.
I tried slagging off Kelly Cates and Gabby Logan, who are just diversity hires, obviously, but they’re not Marxist fanatics like Lineker. Who Mark Chapman is I have no idea, and I’m not wasting my time spending six hours a day tweeting about a total nobody instead of Lineker.
Luckily I stumbled on the comic Kill the Batman, which deals with exactly this predicament. The Joker accidentally kills Batman, leaving him without a purpose in life, but he gets a job with the Gotham City Department of Vehicle Licensing where he can still torment people with mindless bureaucracy.
So I’m doing something similar. As of Monday I’m stepping back from Lineker and putting all my energies into my new job: recruitment consultant.
