INVITED to a Hampstead dinner party? Discussion of this season’s ballets or Friedman’s monetarism petered out? Deciding which A-lister to snort ketamine with always delivers:
Geri Halliwell
A regular user, certainly, but only for her mental health. The current state of which she is ready to expound on, at length, while you struggle to formulate a response. Every aside about the glory days of 90s pop you want to follow up on is mixed in with right-wing rhetoric and gossip from inside Formula 1 you couldn’t give a f**k about.
Bradley Walsh
The most punchable face in television hanging over you like a big, sweaty moon while you try to re-establish contact with reality? Babbling on about the time in 1995 when he saw Crowded House? Telling you his son can get you anything you want, even fresh pig adrenalin glands? No.
Tom Hardy
You’d think this would be fun. He seems personable and he’s been in loads of films you’d love to hear about, as long as he avoided the Venom trilogy. But it turns out Hardy is the type that spends the whole trip dancing in one spot as he mumbles to himself and repeatedly pinches his nipples.
Lorraine Kelly
Somehow, as a reflex, retains the urge to chat. Look in her eyes and she’s completely gone, out-of-body, fully lost in the dissociative wave but on the surface her mouth is moving and she’s asking you about your new line of elegant kitchenware while you sit against a wall, drooling, only the whites of your eyes visible.
Benedict Cumberbatch
Thinks because he went to university in Manchester he can handle his drugs. Makes out he’s done this before. Five minutes later he’s emptied his stomach into the gutter and is on a total whitey, asking you to rub his back and whether he should go to A&E. F**king lightweight.
Elon Musk
The man practically lives in the K-hole, and that’s the problem. He’s crouched in there like Bigot Bilbo Baggins, taking in tweets, spewing out racist bullshit. With all his experience he should be a solid K-hang, but he’s become such a loathsome freak he’s impossible to bear for a second. Is going to claim he got kidnapped by aliens and ask you to back him up.
