Alcohol

BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.

BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it.

A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.

I WISH to make it clear that I do not hate pubs, in fact I am a huge fan of these places you like. How boring would life be without a lovely pint of Wife Beater and a game of ‘arrows’?

AN OFFICE manager has been invited to buy his round at this week’s office Christmas party and then leave so everybody can hate him.

CHRISTMAS is coming, yet unaccountably all our Christmas songs fail to mention the unstinting alcohol abuse which is the hallmark of the season. That can be fixed.