ETON is charging an extra 20 per cent and the rest of the country’s exclusive twat farms will surely follow, forcing the well-heeled to forgo these basic needs:
No chalet girl on February’s ski trip
Titting about on the slopes in Chamonix is a fundamental human right, but chalet girls are expensive even if Daddy doesn’t sleep with them. Families will have to make their own beds and clean their own skis for a whole week, ruining it and giving seven-year-old Bronwyn recurring nightmares.
Christmas at home this year
Attending a school with a chapel and golf courses now means sacrifices, so great-uncle Peter’s house in Jamaica will sit empty this year. Instead the family will be hunched over the table in the second-largest dining room with a humiliating nine-bird roast. The children take it so bravely.
No plus-one to the Galapagos
Melly’s made such good friends at Roedean but, even though it would cement an important friendship with her father at Citibank, little Tessa can’t come on the eco-cruise. ‘It’s like something out of bloody Dickens,’ Mother swears at the mirror in her dressing room after half a bottle of the 2016 Chateau Talbot from Fortnum’s.
Last year’s chinos at Henley Regatta
Making the best of it to build strength of character must be observed, and what better way than turning up to the boat race in year-old trousers? After a mass intake of breath, those attended will marvel at your courage and the boldness of your political statement. Worst-case scenario: they won’t notice.
Nanny’s pay freeze
Proving that trickle-down economics are real, household cuts mean everyone suffers. Even Sandra – her real name’s Estonian – and even though she’s like family. Not being able to stretch to a salary bump hurts her employers more than they can plummily say. Oh, also the children have been behaving especially badly, as they’re deprived now.
No balloon trip this safari
Africa is a bit of a jolly, so the next year’s Kenya trip gives the family a little light in the darkness. But without the dawn balloon trip? The holiday photos will be pitiful. Remind the children, as you watch rhinos at ground level, the Labour party did this to them. Channel their rage into political careers to give decent, ordinary people their lives back.
