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Luton considers bringing in tourist tax

THE picturesque town of Luton in Bedfordshire is considering a levy on visitors to pay for the upkeep of its iconic but over-touristed streets. 

The stunning enclave, a favourite with Instagram influencers and TikTokers, draws tens of thousands every weekend to take selfies in front of the Vauxhall plant, Kenilworth Road and the Leagrave Interchange of the M1.

Mayor Martin Bishop explained: “The pressure on Luton’s facilities is unsustainable. And that’s before you get a 7,000-berth cruise ship anchored in the river Lea.

“We’re not just for tourists. Our residents pay a premium to live in central Luton, to live the experience of shopping in the Hatters Way retail park for themselves, and they’re barely able to leave their post-war semis for tourists posing on their drives.

“By introducing the tax, we’re bringing Luton in line with similar global destinations like Venice and Bali. It’s only right that those who flock to our roads, our benches and our branch of Poundland should give something back.

“Name another city so popular it has to have its own airport. Exactly.”

He added: “The expense will mean a higher class of discerning visitor, the type who eschew the central branch of KFC for the superior one on Dunstable Road.

“Cost? We’re still working out the finer points but based on visitor numbers we’re looking at £4,500 per person per night to bring us in line with the annual revenue of Florence.”

Seven highly effective ways of f**king candidates over, by a recruitment consultant

HI, [INSERT NAME HERE], I came across your LinkedIn profile and thought you would be a great fit to make me look like I’ve got a wealth of candidates. Here’s how I’ll screw you over:

Arbitrary phone contact

Emails are for cowards. Without fail I’ll ring you at the weirdest times, several times a day. If you are unable to talk, because for example you are working in your current job, I will be disappointed in your lack of commitment. If we agree a time to call, I will be unavailable.

Judgemental Zoom calls

It’s crucial that I check you interview well, ie are sober at 4pm and have no facial tattoos. To this end we must Zoom for 20 minutes. I will recite from a script in a monotone while closely examining the room behind you to establish how desperate and therefore easily defrauded you are.

Switch to being chummy

Abruptly mate, we’ll be mates, right? My last training course recommended I ask about your kids so I have done so. These laughs are practiced and I have four; the one you’re hearing has the lowest value. You will now trust me, even though I am pronouncing your name incorrectly.

Withhold key information

Why would I inform you what the salary is? My God, is that all you’re interested in? No, I’ll keep that back and make you ask for it like the venal, money-grubbing peasant you are. Oh, and you’ll only find out it’s full-time in the Skegness office at the interview. I didn’t want to put you off.

Lying

Don’t worry, I will flat out lie. Like when I say I the job, which you weren’t really that fussed about anyway, was ‘yours barring some formalities’. Now you’re four different psychometric tests, two interviews and a meet-and-greet deep. And they’ve asked your current employer for a reference.

Ghosting

In the unfortunate event that things don’t work out, you will be told promptly and sensitively with constructive feedback. Joking. You’ll never hear from me again, though I will send an automated request for you to give me a five-star rating on Google.

Taking rejection badly

However, if you dare have the bad grace to tell me you don’t want the job? Making me look a fool in front of Linda from HR? You’ve ripped the commission from this precious little recruiter like bread from an orphan’s hands. And I only entered you to make up the f**king numbers.

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