CHOOSING the suitable venue for a meal with friends means carefully balancing location, menu and price until everyone is equally pissed off. Follow these tips:
Roam far
Even the most central restaurant will see Tim from the suburbs complain about parking, so don’t bother. Go far-flung, blindly claiming the food is worth it. A country gastropub far from bus routes or an inner-city shithole on no tube lines should ensure taxis are both impossible to get and astronomically expensive.
Steer clear of recognisable cuisines
Sarah doesn’t like Thai, Colin’s vegan, Mexican sets off Gillian’s IBS. So go obscure. Everybody loves going in not knowing what they’re getting at a fusion place or, even better, a themed concept. It’s not like anyone just wants tasty food, right?
Allergies are their problem
Likewise with dietary restrictions. Make sure the establishment has an air of indifference, or ideally aggression, towards making any reasonable safety adjustments. It’ll taste shit regardless so this is really for flair.
Music makes it a party
Loud music is a must. The only thing better than a group meal where you’re yelling garlicky into the ear of the person next to you over a Dua Lipa remix is one where there’s a live band. Go for the latter, especially if it’s the owner’s son’s sludge metal combo.
Involve small plates
People love things that are complicated and fiddly, first to order and then to pay for. There should be an impenetrable description on the menu and a waiter offended you would waste his time asking him to explain it. Somehow there will be nothing but rice on the table and it will have cost you £35 each.
Cash only
And don’t tell them this in advance. It’s the perfect finishing touch.
