Society

THE new trend of extremely brazen shoplifting is worrying. You’re probably agreeing with me now, but that's before you've realised I am a massive racist.

A MAN believes the roads of the UK are packed with swearing, gesticulating red-faced motorists as he encounters so many every single day.

A MAN who has lost his grip on reality is convinced that goods or services could once be bought with nothing more than a five pound note.

HERE I am, inside HMP Risley, for throwing a burning bin through a Holiday Inn window. When the real crime is that I was wilfully under-informed.

COUNTRY music is all about high drama, hard liquor and cowboy metaphors. Can it be adapted to suit lower-key British audiences?

HAVE you been excluded from Oxbridge on the totally unfair basis that you’re too stupid? Here are some alternatives for posh rejects, handily listed in descending order of snobbery.

PEOPLE who ride e-bikes are less annoying than normal cycling dickheads, even though they could probably kill you, it has emerged.

FRIEND selfish enough to be born in January? Insensitively expecting a birthday present regardless of your overdraft? These make ideal cost-effective gifts.

INDUSTRY bodies are reconsidering the legality of charging £1,906 in fines for paying for parking five minutes late. Dealing with these similar vexations could transform Labour’s fortunes.

THE Met Office has issued desperate, tearful pleading with your car warnings for huge swathes of the country.