FRIEND selfish enough to be born in January? Insensitively expecting a birthday present regardless of your overdraft? These make ideal cost-effective gifts:
A copy of the Metro
Big birthdays are honoured with a copy of The Times from the day you were born, so celebrating a less-vital birthday with a commemorative copy of the Metro from their birthday today is just as thoughtful. Having leafed through it for quality control purposes, you’re confident your friend will be blown away by its mix of concise reporting and 60 Seconds With Gwiluym Lee.
Good karma
You can’t put a price on positive vibes, which is fortunate, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to afford them. But as good karma isn’t a tangible object, you won’t even need to splash out on £2-a-roll wrapping paper. Simply write it down in the cheapest generic birthday card you can find in Smiths and let the benevolent forces of the universe do the rest.
A link to a hilarious cat video
The gift of laughter is the most valuable present of all, as the few comedians who don’t host daytime ITV gameshows tell us. And funny cat videos are the internet’s only true gold, so a ten-second clip they’ve not seen before is far better than some tawdry item which aligns with their personality and interests. Though it does set the bar high for next year.
The promise of a pint
Anticipation is arguably the most invigorating part of receiving a present. Once unwrapped they’re not as good. The promise of a pint on payday gives your pal a carrot to get through the month, powering through a grim time of year and helping them move on from a birthday which has been such a terrible disappointment.
Any DVD you’re unlikely to watch again
In the age of streaming and disposable content, a DVD of Amelie or Inception is like a handcrafted oak dresser made by a skilled carpenter. Marvel at those interactive menus and US trailers. This gift is both antique and vintage, but do remove any charity shop price stickers and check the right disc’s in the case.
Sex
Whether an ex, a close friend or a second cousin, everybody loves sex. Tie a red ribbon around the relevant area and present it with a smile of cheerful acquiescence to their most outlandish desires. Then say ‘Or if you’re not bothered?’ and hope they agree with a shrug.
