Woman guessing her way through tax return definitely going to prison

A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law. 

Nikki Hollis earns occasional extra cash as a freelance web designer and felt it was unnecessary to hire an accountant given how simple her self-assessment return should be. Three hours and a bottle of wine later, she is a criminal.

She said: “I left it until January because I figured it would only take an hour or two. Then I opened it, read about ‘Basis Period Reform’, and knew I was in too deep.

“Every page reads like a threat. They want to know about my marital status, presumably so they can make my boyfriend take the stand at my trial and have him innocently betray me until I’m dramatically sent down.

“I’m trying to be honest but this is government-level entrapment. It’s like Mr Bates vs the Post Office. If I even try to claim that I’ve ever worked from my kitchen I’m doing a ten-stretch in maximum security with the nonces.

“Half my answers are a guess, and that’s illegal. I’ve made up the bit about charity donations. I’ve hazarded a weak hypothesis about my accounting year. I’m going to the slammer, and all for £826.83.”

A spokesperson for the His Majesty’s Revenue and Customs said: “Life sentence, we reckon.”

Keir Starmer's completely hypothetical guide to sacking someone called, say, Rachel

MAKING someone redundant isn’t easy for any manager. But if you’ve no other option with a colleague called, to choose a name at random, Rachel, here’s how to make it as painless as possible: 

Sack Rachel by email

Criticised as callous, but avoids a meeting and a letter so is undeniably efficient. And since Rachel was full of cliched managerial bollocks about ‘efficiency’ while cutting public services immediately after everyone voted for the opposite, she can hardly complain.

Have a colleague present

If sacking in person, the presence of a colleague gives you a witness if what was said is disputed. Or she turns violent. I’ve enlisted Wes, who is an ambitious little shit who loves seeing his colleagues fail so very much the spirit of my Labour party.

Prepare a shit sandwich

Inserting bad news between two positive things is a good way to soften the blow, eg: ‘Rachel, you’re always on time for meetings. You’re fired. Your personal hygiene has thankfully never been an issue.’ Warm, sympathetic and caring.

Audit her CV

Lying on your CV is grounds for instant dismissal. If the Rachel you’re dealing with is anything like the entirely fictional Rachel I’m imagining, there’s strong evidence she exaggerated her seniority in previous financial jobs. Open and shut. Generously offer not to mention it on her reference.

Search for other sackable offences

Sexual misconduct is right out, with that haircut. And Rachel, who I stress is a notional figure, is never openly racist. It’s the one thing separating her from the Tories. However, even the boring ones can never resist pathetic crimes like stealing toilet rolls. Kindly tell her you don’t want to get the police involved.

Buy a personalised leaving gift

You may feel guilty about sacking Rachel, if you still suffer from troublesome emotions. A personalised gift shows she is valued, so get her a Toblerone with ‘Rachel’ on it. They cost £10.95, but that’s nothing when it can be claimed on expenses.

Get home CCTV

Regrettably, it’s not unheard of for disgruntled ex-employees to attend the homes of former colleagues to exact revenge. She may look like a mortgage advisor, but they’re exactly the ones you see in the Mail chucking paint over someone’s car. Advise your Rachel it will all be filmed and shown on the news. Also that Special Branch will shoot her.