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All motorists always beeping and waving, assumes shit driver

A MAN believes the roads of the UK are packed with swearing, gesticulating red-faced motorists as he encounters so many every single day. 

Sedate, careful motorist Roy Hobbs, aged 67, makes several unnecessary journeys a day to a background of horns, shouts of ‘f**k off’ and hand movements indicating he is a wanker, as he assumes are everyone else’s.

He said: “Honestly, put a normal person with a placid disposition behind the wheel and they become a maniac. I wasn’t even going fast. 23mph and I know for a fact the limit’s 50.

“if it’s not the horn it’s flashing the lights or screaming something unintelligible out of the window as they go past. They want to watch their blood pressure if they’re reacting like that to someone who’s innocently reversing on a roundabout after missing their exit.

“What’s making today’s drivers so angry? It’s not like in 1972, when I passed my test in the Austin Allegro after a nerve-calming three pints of bitter. They’re all so volatile, doing emergency stops every time you pull out, beeping like crazy at traffic lights and waking me up.

“There must be loads of road rage fights. I haven’t got in any because I’m a peaceable individual but I’m always seeing someone chasing me screaming abuse and waving a Crooklock in my rear view mirror. I stay out of it.”

Fellow motorist Donna Sheridan said: “Poor Roy, innocently wandering roads packed with the perpetually furious, known to them all as ‘that f**king twat’.”

Is your trip to Nando's officially cheeky? A checklist

THE ‘cheeky Nando’s’ is close to overtaking Britain’s other top cheeky pastimes, the cheeky fag and cheeky pint. But is your trip officially cheeky or are you living a lie? 

Is it spontaneous?

A planned Nando’s is not a cheeky Nando’s. The correct level of cheekiness is achieved when the day’s plans did not include Nando’s in any way yet you find yourself there regardless, anticipating the unexpected gift of spicy chicken. Any teenage visit to Nando’s is automatically cheeky because they cannot afford to eat there.

Should you be doing something else?

Your Nando’s ascends to the next tier of cheekiness if being sneaked in when you should be somewhere else. Meant to be making a loft conversion watertight? Or resitting your GCSE English? Or at a close relative’s funeral? F**ked it off for half a chicken, hot, with chips and spicy rice? Cheeky. There will always be other funerals.

Is your squad there?

If you are not seated with at least one lad called Callum or Kieran or Kian or Kai, then your meal is appreciably less cheeky. Ideally, you’d have been on your way to leg day at the gym when a ‘cheeky Nando’s’ was suggested. The effect of the banter will be amplified by the unpremeditated Nando’s and the result will be up to 125 per cent cheekier.

Does your order have zero nutritional value?

Macho peas aren’t cheeky, corn on the cob isn’t cheeky, and chicken wraps definitely aren’t. Salad has zero cheek. If your meal isn’t at least a half chicken with peri peri fries, garlic bread and extra mac and cheese, washed down with an overpriced Sagres, then opportunities for cheek are being actively missed.

Have you posted it on socials?

Much like citybreaks and runs, if a cheeky Nando’s is not documented on Insta it did not happen. For added pop include GIFs and stickers, for example an animated fat, clucking chicken and an image of what you incorrectly believe is the Portuguese flag.

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