'I wouldn't have set fire to a Holiday Inn if I'd been kept abreast of the relevant facts'

22nd January 2025

By Wayne Hayes, unemployed plasterer and political prisoner

HERE I am, inside HMP Risley, for throwing a burning bin through a Holiday Inn window. When the real crime is that I was wilfully under-informed.

Myself, and the other lads who joined in the rioting last summer, weren’t far-right as the media claimed. We certainly weren’t motivated by racism; those of us with convictions for race-related violence had learned our lessons on that front.

No, we took to the streets because of a paucity of information. Because we were hearing rumours about the Southport murders that the police, frustratingly, refused to verify.

I remember shouting it as I threw a brick at a copper’s head: ‘Bollocks the release of confidential details of an ongoing investigation would endanger a successful prosecution! The public have a right to know!’

‘Yeah,’ one of the lads who was with me, a tireless crusader for truth and Derby Country, agreed, ‘and don’t go blaming it all on the Crown Prosecution Service, you pig twat!’ before steaming into a wall of riot shields.

But, because information was purposefully withheld from those who would have been most responsible with it, we had to act. Yes, I was masked. Yes, I set fire to a wheelie bin. And yes, I subsequently hurled it through a window. What choice did I have?

So I hope the authorities learn their lesson. And next time there’s a horrific crime, I hope they have the basic level of trust to get on our Telegram channels and give us the facts. Only the ones that suit us, obviously. Nothing irrelevant like him not being an asylum-seeker or his parents being Christian.

In the meantime I remain a political prisoner, locked up for nothing more than my beliefs, violent disorder, assaulting an emergency worker and possessing an illegal weapon. And class A drugs. An innocent man, basically.

Richard Gere, and other celebs airbrushing their age-gap relationships

22nd January 2025

RICHARD Gere, aged 75, has given a gushing interview about being married to a woman 33 years younger. But is he glossing over the reality? Let’s speculate:

Rod Stewart and Penny Lancaster, age gap 26 years

Rod is still gigging at 80, so we’ll assume his body is largely functional. But the age gap must make shared cultural references a nightmare. He remembers the death of Buddy Holly; she can’t imagine listening to Peggy Sue for pleasure. She makes a hilarious reference to Captain Zep – Space Detective; he sits in blank incomprehension.

Richard Gere and Alejandra Silva, age gap 33 years

According to the hard-hitting journalism of Elle, the couple are ‘united by karma’. Not money, even though Gere now resembles your gran. At least, unlike Harrison Ford, he’s not perpetually disinterring his most famous roles. Though American Gigolo’s high-class male escort with erectile dysfunction issues would be, for older audiences, relatable.

Mick Jagger and Melanie Hamrick, age gap 44 years

For context, the gap between Mick and his choreographer girlfriend is the gap between the D-Day landings and Doctorin’ the Tardis being in the charts. He was doing LSD and banging Marianne Faithfull when Ms Hamrick was 21 years old. Most men his age have carers that are older.

Jason Statham and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, age gap 20 years

A surprisingly difference between Jason and model Rosie, who is only fractionally less good at acting. Maybe they’ve cracked age-gap relationships: no one notices if one of you is timelessly beautiful and the other has always been bald. The greatest tension in their relationship is the danger of having to sit through another Meg sequel.

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, aged gap 25 years

The gulf became noticeable when Michael started to look in-a-care-home old as opposed to the middle-aged old he was when they married. Considering all they’ve been through – cancer, sex addiction, the remake of The Haunting – there’s clearly a bond. Such a shame Michael can’t be digitally de-aged in life as he is in Marvel movies.

Hugh Hefner and the Playboy Bunnies, age gap 50-70 years

He’s dead, but merits inclusion as a warning to male readers. By the time of his passing aged 91, sex with Hugh was a nightmare of tiring manual stimulation and cock injections. So if you’re planning to become a prisoner of your own public image as a suave playboy engaging in seedy polyamorous relationships with unenthusiastic women young enough to be your granddaughter, don’t.

Patrick Stewart and Sunny Ozell, age gap 38

Remarkably, Stewart is hooked up with a singer-songwriter almost four decades his junior. He’s five years older than her dad, which must be awkward. However in fairness Stewart is pretty well-preserved and has that Picard-Xavier gravitas. Maybe his Shakespearean charisma is irresistible to all women and he could easily pull Sydney Sweeney.