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I’M NOT smooth-brained. I know that the marketplace of ideas regularly blesses consumers with overpriced crazes, and it’s our civic duty to buy into them.

Great so many people have been able to see Oasis this summer. They can cross that off their bucket hat list.

WAKING with a hangover the size of Hampshire, I clear my system by vomiting copiously from an upstairs window, which drenches a passerby but calms my stomach magnificently, and reflect upon the week’s events. 

NOBODY knows their burgers like us Brits. They're a homegrown national institution, like pizzas and curry. Except these days everyone feels the need to reinvent the f**king wheel.

SHYNESS, laziness and ChatGPT guided James Bates, aged 30, to a date with 33-year-old Jo Kramer. But will this modern-day Cyrano have the heart of a poet in person?

Ladies, why not spice up your love life by claiming you’ve been fingered by a ghost?

WAKING with a hangover so toxic that when I vomit and my dog comes scampering into my room to eat it he drops dead on the spot, I reflect on the week’s events.

WAGWAN? Did fam see Active J on da TV? Man woz hinspirational. Parentdem is batshit for da tennis, innit. So dem fixed it for yours truly to be a ball muggle at da Wimbledon ting!

TOO afraid to share you’re a furry with your wife? You’re right to be, she’ll leave you. Only a freak wants to be done by a 42-year-old mortgage advisor in a Pepé Le Pew costume.

Reassuring to know Noel Edmonds is in New Zealand, as far away from a British TV studio as it is physically possible to be.