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IF your child attends a comprehensive school, you have given up on them. You have decided hosing shit off roads for a job is all they can aspire to. And I respect that.

A MAN is unsure whether he had a great time last night or if he was just pissed, it has emerged.

FOR every act that conveyed their modest backgrounds with aplomb, some bands fetishised them to the point of embarrassment. Like these.

YOU’RE bored, you’re living a lie, and you’re interested in seeing what the young people are doing with their public hair these days. All valid reasons for having an affair.

Birkin bag? No, this is a Parkin bag. For keeping parkin in.

WAKING up in a bathtub full of empty vodka bottles, breaking wind wetly and relieving a mysterious thirst I have acquired by wrapping my mouth around the cold tap, I reflect on yesterday’s ecclesiastical events. 

NOTHING'S sacred anymore in this once-great country of ours. They let birds play darts these days, for f**k’s sake.

A MAN believes the phrase ‘period costume’ refers to the cosy lounge-wear worn by his girlfriend, it has emerged.

A GOURMET burger chain is expecting customers to be able to detach their jaw from the rest of their skull in order to eat their food, it has emerged.

THE final monarch of the Tudor dynasty, Queen Elizabeth I of England was known for her intelligence, diplomacy, and virginity. But the last was not entirely by choice.