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WAGWAN? It is Christmas, fam, an’ school woz makin’ us pupildem take da wasteman mock hexams, innit. But Active J turned dat into a positive by rappin’ for da commoonity.

WE can have either truth or social media, and if that’s a difficult choice don’t worry, it’s already been made for you. But whither Santa?

A 2025 Sabrina Carpenter calendar where she gets smaller and smaller each month. By December she’s wearing a bowtie, corset and rabbit ears while flirting with the Higgs boson.

WAKING up with a hangover whose vibrations can be felt in Chipping Ongar, I reflect on yesterday, a momentous day in my ministry, for it marked the publication of my book, The Secret Archbishop Of Canterbury.

AFTER endless press junkets and media appearances for Wicked I want to talk about my true passion - ramming down the full English at my favourite café in Torquay until I am uncomfortably stuffed.

WILL 27-year-old Sophie Rodriguez fall for Julian Cook, aged 58, overlooking a few minor initial deceptions about his age, marital history and number of adult children?

You learn the true meaning of Christmas this week, and it’s banging Lindsay Lohan in a cottage.

WAKING with a hangover that caused me to accidentally excrete one of my kidneys, I reflect on yesterday’s events pertaining to ‘follow-up’ emails from providers of goods and services.

REBOOT? Jackboot, more like. Another stamp of Starmer’s Stalinist boot on the heart of this once-great nation.

CHRISTMAS approaches like a male orgasm – for all the fuss, essentially always the same and closely followed by depression.